ADS & SLOGANS

Page 1     Page 2     Page 3     Page 4     Page 5     Page 6

What's new

powered by FreeFind

Site map

Monday:"The Rev. A. J. Jones has one color TV set for sale.  Telephone 626-1313 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Donnelley who lives with him, cheap."

Tuesday: "We regret any embarrassment caused to Rev. Jones by a typographical error in yesterday's paper.  The ad should have read: the Rev. A. J. Jones has one color TV set for sale, cheap.  Telephone 626-1313 and ask for Mrs. Donnelley, who lives with him after 7 p.m."

Wednesday: "The Rev. A. J. Jones informs us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of an incorrect ad in yesterday's paper.  It should have read: The Rev. A. J. Jones has one color TV set for sale, cheap.  Telephone 626-1313 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Donnelley who loves with him."

Thursday: "Please take notice that I, the Rev. A. J. Jones, have no color TV set for sale; I have smashed it.  Don't call 626-1313 anymore. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Donnelley.  She was, until yesterday, my housekeeper."

Friday: "Wanted: a housekeeper.  Usual duties.  Good pay.  Love in, Rev. A. J. Jones.  Telephone 626-1313

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that only one of them is doing the thinking. ~ Lyndon Baines Johnson ~

Tired of sitting at home every night, an ugly single heiress decided to take out a personal ad.

"Rich, sex-crazed admittedly not good looking woman wants man for quiet liaisons," she wrote, then sat by the mailbox and waited for a response.

     Lo and behold, the day after the ad appeared she received an express mail reply.  Her heart thumping in her throat, she tore open the envelope.

Looking on, the girl's mother asked, "So, who's it from?"

Her expression dour, the young woman replied, "Daddy."

If the telephone is a big part of your life, you'll be happy to learn about two developments. The first could keep you on the phone forever -- or at least until the world ends on Jan. 1. The second could make you feel more comfortable about answering the darn thing.

Let me explain.

Say you're a woman involved in a long-distance relationship. You were on the Internet and met this great guy named Sam who lives in a remote part of West Virginia, but still has all his teeth. Or so he claims.

Your relationship has progressed from the Internet to the phone, and though you've never set eyes on Sam or his molars, you're beginning to plan your wedding. Hey, you're an optimist. Besides, the earlier you start planning, the more likely you'll remember the names of all your relatives.

You've even selected a reception hall, picked your bridesmaids, and opened a gift registry at K mart.

There's only one problem: Sam stops calling you.

You try to call him, but get his answering machine. Still, you're glad to hear his voice on the machine, though he says only, "Yo!"

After a week or so, your phone rings again. You dash out of the bathroom, shampoo running down your back. "Hello," you say, your heart pounding like you just met Ricky Martin.

"Hello," says the caller. "I'm calling from Diewell Cemetery to offer you a special deal on a burial plot."

It's a telemarketer, one who's apparently making plans for your death. You slam the phone, cursing Alexander Graham Bell.

After your cold shower, you check your e-mail and find a message from Sam: "Dear Fatima, I couldn't call you because the phone company disconnected my long-distance service for not paying the bill. I wanted to pay it, but it was more than double my rent. Those six-hour calls aren't cheap. I tried to get a job, but they aren't hiring at McDonald's. And the guy at the pawn shop refused to take my collection of hub caps. I'm really sorry about this. All my love, Sam."

So now you have another problem: Your name isn't Fatima.

It isn't even Fat-anything.

But you're in a forgiving mood. You're willing to overlook this faux pas. You don't want to lose the deposit on the reception hall.

You write to Sam, telling him about the low rates phone companies have started offering. Sprint's offering 5-cent nights. MCI's offering 5-cent nights and early mornings. AT&T's offering 7-cent mornings, afternoons and nights. And perhaps 3-cent birthdays.

For just a nickel, you can call your ex-husband and tell him to get a life. He's not achieving much in Congress.

What's more, if the heated competition in the phone industry continues, it's possible that long distance -- combined with Internet access and other services -- will eventually be FREE. That could take your romance to a whole new level. You could even get married by phone.

You have other good news for Sam: You heard that some states are passing laws against telemarketers, forcing them to respect "do not call" lists. They won't be interrupting your cold showers again.

Sam writes back: "Dear Fatima, I have something important to tell you. My name really isn't Sam. It's Samantha. That's why I sound a lot like Michael Jackson."

Now you have another problem: Which one of you will undergo the sex change operation? There isn't much time before the wedding.

Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. ~ Helen Rowland ~

• Satisfaction Guaranteed or double your garbage back!
        - on the back of a garbage truck


• Your number two is our number one.
        - on the side of a septic service truck
• You can't beat our meat.
        - on a Culver City meat company truck


• For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.


• Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last


• Stock up and save.  Limit: one


• Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.


• See ladies blouses.  50% Off!


• Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops!


• Ladies, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.


• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!


• Auto Repair Service.  Free pickup and delivery.  Try us once, you'll  never go anywhere again.


• Modular Sofas.  Only $299  For rest or fore play.


• Semiannual After-Christmas Sale


• And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.


• Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.


• Illiterate?  Write for free information.

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company, 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.'

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A tall women with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who can stand a little fu-
ture fun at parties and froli-
cking without getting serious.

OK, now go back up and read line one,three and five only

SWF seeks heavy daddy in big pants. Must have convenience store hours and be unafraid to wear jumpsuit.

Warm and sarcastic guy in late 20's wants to take you to a junkyard.

My dog and I are a lot alike. We're both 35, but look and act younger. We're both fit and trim, have dark hair and eyes, we're handsome, funny, intelligent and like all foods. I don't hump my pillow.

Single white male, early 30's, Bay Area native, fit, kind, nice looking, liberal professional. Seeking an imperfect, intelligent, thin female who, like me, has baggage that is small enough to fit under one's seat.

234 yr. old Italian male seeking gorgeous Italian female, 18-24, for romantic dinners, walks & 4-wheel fun.

Girls ever wish you could pee standing up? Stop squatting in the woods, start using urinals. My ex-girlfriend showed me. I can teach you. Individual or group lessons available.

Are you an attractive woman with shapely legs, nice figure and a pretty face? He's a man who will treat you well, regardless of your personality.

SBM is looking for a man who likes to let his toenails grow. Marriage is desired.

Baby Maker - To women who want babies. I, handsome, WM, will inseminate the natural way. Former missionary with experience.

If you're short/tall, petite/large, young/elderly, blonde/red head/brunette, I'm your man.

Seeking sex-loathing insecure woman, terrified of her own body, completely asexual, humorless, narcissistic, for boring conversation, bloody steak dinners, unfiltered Camel smoking marathons, insensitive encounters. Seeker: clitoral-ignorant impotent male.

Do you like claustrophobic spaces? Anti-social young woman seeks someone who hates the light of day. Smokers and drug takers preferred. No vegetarians. I'm mean, nasty and give as good as I get. Any takers?