AGE & AGING

Page 1     Page 2     Page 3

What's new

powered by FreeFind

Site map

Nate decides to go to his high school's 50 year reunion. He hasn't seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart Barbara. They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years.

"How have you been?" Nate asks.

"Just fine, just fine," Barbara replies. "Although I do have some good news and bad news for you."

"Bad news first please."

"Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back."

"Oh, that's terrible," Nate says. "What's the good news?"

Barbara says, "The doctor found your old high school ring you thought lost."

"Sigh! Where's cupid when you need him?"

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. ~ James Baldwin ~

I'LL WALK

Feingold, on his deathbed, was surrounded by his children.

"Don't worry, Papa, we'll have a big funeral," declared his eldest son. "There'll be a hundred limousines, ten cars with flowers-"

"We don't need all that!" interrupted Feingold's second son. "Fifty limos and five cars with flowers is more than enough!"

Whatta ya makin' such a big deal?" said the dying man's youngest son. "We don't need any flowers. We'll just have the immediate family! Two cars is enough!"

At that moment, Feingold raised himself up and said, "Listen, boys! Just hand me my pants and I'll walk to the cemetery!"

One Sunday morning, a minister told his congregation that he was going to say a series of words and he wanted them to sing the hymn that came to mind after he said each word.

The first word he said was "rock" and the congregation immediately began singing "Rock Of Ages."

The second word he said was "blood," and they launched into "Power in the Blood."

The third word was "cross," and they began singing "The Old Rugged Cross."

The fourth word he said was "SEX." Everyone gasped and then got very quiet. At last, in the back of the church, a very sweet little 90 year-old lady stood up and started singing "Precious Memories."

Humility comes from understanding that the obstacles in front of you are not going to go away. ~ Sarah Ferguson ~

CONFESSION?

A priest is sitting in his confessional and hears an old man's voice on the other side of the screen. The old man says, "Father, I'm eighty-one years old, I've been married to the same woman for fifty-four years, and have always been faithful. But yesterday, I made wild, passionate love with a pair of lovely eighteen-year-old twin sisters."

The priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"

The old man replies, "Never... I'm Jewish."

The priest is puzzled. "Then why did you come here today to tell me this?"

The old man says, "Oh... heck... I'm telling everybody!!!"

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

He that is proud of riches is a fool. For if he be exalted above his neighbors because he hath more gold, how much inferior is he to a gold mine. ~ Jeremy Taylor ~

Honey, please calm down, Let me explain...

 

LOWER DRIVE

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."