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BIDDING

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid...the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

If you have to be happy, you will always be unhappy. ~ Dr. Robert Anthony ~

DUCK FOOD?

One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in. "Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.

"No we don't got any duck food."

"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out.

The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in. "Got any duck food?" he asks.

The clerk is a little annoyed "No! We don't have any duck food!"

"Fine." the duck says and walks out.

The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks "Got any duck food?"

By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No" he yells "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have and duck food I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!"

All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.

On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in: "Got any nails?" the duck asks.

"No we don't got nails."

"Well then," the duck says "got any duck food?"

It is easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself.
~ J. Bach ~

ONE HELL OF A SPELL

The beautiful princess frequently wandered through the woods searching for an enchanted frog who might actually be a handsome prince under a spell. One day she found an exceptionally ugly frog.

Picking it up, she asked, "Are you a prince under a spell? If I kiss you, will you turn back into a prince?"

"Yes, I am, " the frog said. "But it's a hell of a spell. It'll probably take a blow job."

The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not laugh is a fool. ~George Santayana~

MONKEY

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head.

When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.
~ Swedish proverb ~

USED CAMELS

This guy is in about to cross the Sahara. He asked the salesman how much this particular camel cost. "200 dollars, and he is a very fast camel."

"Don't you have anything less expensive?", he asked, checking his wallet.

"Well, this camel is very cheep, only 50 dollars, and is very fast as well. Only one trouble; camel is very horny. If camel stops, you have to jack him off before he will go again."

"Well, I guess that'll do", said the man, and forked over the $50.

Later, the man is tearing across the desert on the camel, dust flying up behind, when the camel screeches to a halt. The man gets off the camel, looks the beast in the eye, makes a jack-off motion with his wrist. The camel nods in approval. The man jacks off the camel, and gets back on. The camel takes off again, at an incredible speed. Dust flying, wind whistling, the man has to shield his eyes.

The camel stops. Man gets off, looks at the camel, makes the motion, camel nods. He reluctantly does his thing to the camel, gets on, and they take off again. Now the camel is going faster than the man can imagine, hoofs pounding on the ground like thunder, birds thrown to the ground from the draft of the passing camel, and the city the man is headed for is just on the horizon when the camel plows his hoofs into the ground and stops dead, throwing the man forward off the camel.

The man sighs, looks at the camel, and makes the jack-off motion.

The camel shakes his head, and blows.

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~ R.A. Heinlein ~

A CAT IN HEAVEN

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance.

A cat shows up.

St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."

St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

There are two great tragedies that can befall a person in life. One is not getting everything that is wanted. The second is getting it.

KING OF THE JUNGLE

One day the lion is walking through the jungle and treads in some shit. He call all the other animals together and says "I'm fed up with treading in shit so we're going to shit in one place, ok?"

All the other animals agree with the king of the jungle.

Three days later a little Zebra is strolling through the jungle and sees a little tree monkey in the middle of the path having a shit.

"You can't shit there...the Lion will have you," it says.

"I don't care," replies the tree monkey.

"We're all supposed to shit in one place or the lion will eat you," says the zebra.

"I don't care." replies the tree monkey.

"You know we're all to shit in one place," says the zebra.

"I don't care!! Yesterday I was having a shit where we're all supposed to have a shit, when this bloody gorilla came up, and he has a shit and then says, 'are you clean?'. 'What do you mean ?' I said. 'Have you got pox, piles, acne or any infectious disease ?' 'No I replied.' Then he picked me up and wiped his arse with me.

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