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YOU HAVE BEEN ON LINE...

• You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.

• You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?
• You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
• OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to piss us off! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK?
• You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?!
• You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?
• You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?
• You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord...
• You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??
• You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL recieves 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.
• You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get the H*LL OFF, before we go broke!
• You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?

• You have been cybering for 1059 minutes. Didn't your mom ever tell you "That thing could make you go blind"? PLEASE sign-off while you can still read this!
• You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? SHIT !! get off already!
• You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM............ See job application enclosed!

(IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, HIRE 'EM)

Kiss me again....I think it's working.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

CHATROOM

I was sitting in a chat room,
Feeling mildly amused,
When I saw something strange,
That left me all confused.

Someone typed a word,
(As far as I could tell)
But I had never seen it.
What is an LOL?

Then the plot got thicker,
More words I didn't know,
A person started typing,
The word LMAO.

I sat there in amazement,
I felt like a dumb toad.
Could it be, these people,
Were speaking in a code?

That's when I looked closer.
And found the subtle clue.
I figured out this code
And I'll share it now, with you.

LOL is three little words,
That seem, to me, quite shady.
LOL is a command,
The words, "Lean Over Lady"?

LMAO, was more obscure,
It made me sweat my socks!
LMAO is a command,
Meaning, "Leave Me Alone, Ox!"

ROFL was harder still,
I found it rather sickening.
It's a discreet way to say,
"Ready Only For Licking!"

I can't believe that AOL,
Would let this code exist!
To them I say, YOMSL
Meaning, "You're On My Shit List!"

AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.

CALLER: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.

AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?

CALLER: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called "cybersex"...does this cost extra?

AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma'am...I don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.

CALLER: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.

AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go to a chat room.

CALLER: Hmmmm...I don't understand, what is cybersex??

AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.

CALLER: Hmmm..well, have you ever had cybersex?

AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?

CALLER: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.

AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?

CALLER: Yes, I have one more question.

AOL: Go ahead...

CALLER: What are you wearing?

AOL: <click>

Just remember...if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.

"wow, you're a very good hunter!" "Actually I'm a very bad vet."

LOYAL USER

A woman knocked on the pearly gates,
Her face was scarred and old,
She trembled and she shook with fear,
She was just about to fold.

"What have you done...", St. Peter asked,
"...to gain admission here?"
"I've been a loyal AOL user sir,..."
"...for many and many a year."

The Pearly Gate swung open wide,
St. Peter rung the bell,
"COME IN AND CHOOSE YOUR HARP..." he said
"...you've had your share of hell."

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

The 50-50-90 rule- Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there is a 90 percent probability you will get it wrong.

"Do I have sex with the lights on? Of course! How else would I see the magazines?"

 

IF AOL WERE A CITY...

1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
5. 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.junkmail.com.
6. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
7. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
8. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us".
9. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
10. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
11. Your so-called friends, ask to receive information, and then get info that 99% love, but that they don't; and they call the cops. (America Online's Terms of Service geeks)
12. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
13. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
14. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
15. Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU! YOU WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say, "No." The voice then replies, "OK, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW

Q: Why is sex like software?

A: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.