Issue 3

NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents

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NIMFO'S NASTIES

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"I feel like a million tonight -- but one at a time."
(Mae West)

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A young fella has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back fields to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio
to check if he's all right.

"Hey, Bennie, you OK?"

"Well, I've got a problem, Boss. I'm kinda stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, so it goes..." the boss says. "Just drag the critter off the road so's nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to free him up, but he's a-kicking and a-squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm kinda 'fraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Listen up!" says the boss. "There's a .357 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Right through the head. Then drag the carcass off the road and get yer butt on home."

"Okay, boss, if you say so..."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB.

"What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag that pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his damn motorcycle is still jammed under the truck.

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Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks
that night they succeed. Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the
breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

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SENT IN BY OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local RiteAide. He goes up to the clerk and says "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go oomph right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!" Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabs some Trojans for professionals and tells the chief to come back and tell him how they worked. The next day the big Chief comes back to the RiteAide, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go oomph, right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!" The clerk thinks to himself "Damn, this guy has super ejaculation going on" so he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box read: This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances.The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him this, and to come back and tell him how it worked. The next day the chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's real pissed." The chief
yells "LAST NIGHT ME FUCK SQUAW!! LEFT NUT GO OOMPH!!!!....RIGHT NUT GO OOMPH!!! ..... DICK GO OOMPH!!..... CONDOM GO OOMPH!!!!......... LEFT NUT GO BOOM!!!"

{Thanks to RushBMW for that blow-out.}

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Want your *moment* in the spotlight??
To be more famous than ________(fill in blank
with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make
your name a household word across the nation; worldwide even!!

Well maybe not worldwide...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide....
ok, ok..not even a household word, but we will give you credit
for your contributions. GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back!
WITH INTEREST!!!
(@-g-@)

Send your contributions, comments and/or suggestions to
Nasties@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st

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!COMING SOON!

Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *DATING* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about
romance and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question
that you'd like some advice on, just send an e-mail to
AUNTNASTY@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st and you can count on her
giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!

¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡

AUNTNASTY@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st

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¿Hmmm....The answer to the question uppermost in *EVERYONE's* mind.......

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan.

Run with me on this one...

Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and
given a series of his own, called MacGuyver".)

For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour. (As an interesting and completely
irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the island.)

And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUSTincarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.

What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr Howell gets my vote for GREED.

We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here.

Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit during her many years on the island and everybody knows it.

This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode.
After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.

So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there?

Gilligan.

Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it!

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* AND NOW FOR THE JOKE OF THE WEEK *
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The husband finally got wise to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her, and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his marriage would still be a loving and trustworthy one had this S.O.B. not come into the picture. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to
handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my
office at 3 PM next Friday.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsers/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers.
We are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell
things to our subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our
readers and because it's something I enjoy doing.

For more information about advertising in this newsletter send
an e-mail to advert@nimfomanyc.isthe.be.st

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ONE MORE TO GET YOU OVER "HUMP" DAY

Two men were hiking in the woods when one had to go take a dump. He left the trail and began to unload behind a tree. Suddenly, a huge rattlesnake sprung up and bit him on the end of the penis.

As the man screamed for help, his friend came to his aid. Not knowing what to do, he ran two miles back to their car, drove 10 miles over dirt roads and 15 miles back to town.

Upon finding the doctors office, he rushed right in to find the doctor in the middle of delivering a baby. "Doctor, you have to help! My friend just got bit by a rattlesnake on his penis!"

The doctor replied, "I can't go with you right now, but if you make an incision between the two bite marks, you can suck out most of the poison and save your friend's life."

The man jumped back into his car, drove 15 miles back to the woods, 10 miles over dirt roads and ran two miles back to his friend.

Upon arriving, his friend asked, "What did the doctor say?"

He replied, "The doctor says you're going to die!"

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Life is like a piano ...
What you get out of it depends on how you play it.

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A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

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Well that's it for this issue. Hopefully, it TIT-illated at
least your funny BONE! Hope you have a *WILD* & *WET* WEEK!

Depressed?? Need a larger portion of Humor to get you through
the day?? Didn't get your fill?? Well, never let it be said
that the Nimfomanyc didn't satisfy your *HUNGER*!!!!
check out the Naughty Nuthouse for *SATISFACTION*
http://Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st/