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Issue 5
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NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.NIMFO'S NASTIES .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.------- How To Attend a Meeting ------- To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work. There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations: 1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and, 2. Going to meetings. Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings. The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this). At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next. But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything,and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings. The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting. An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living. There are two major kinds of meetings: 1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say. When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan. 2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career). But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie. Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope." You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles). If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss). If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.And now a TIP for those of you who spend any amount of time online... TRY this GREAT service for FREE!!! NEVER miss a phone call again!!! Try Pagoo for 30 days for Free...and I'm sure you'll agree their service is one that you use and appreciate every time you go online. No more worries about missing an important call or being unavailable to friends and family, without the expense of installing a second line!! http://www.pagoo.com/asp/referral/linkto.asp?B=102&RefID=4804 .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.She was an attractive barmaid so Paul slapped a ten on the bar said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom." She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Paul took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom. "Betcha I can bite my own ear," Paul challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money. "Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing." Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Paul lifted her skirt & away they went. "I can feel you," she cried. "Oh well," Paul said, "You win some, you lose some !!" .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. SENT IN BY OUR READERS A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex: It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T": Tuesday {Thanks to MDavisXXX for that thupendous truism} .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? Well maybe not worldwide...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... Send your contributions, comments and/or suggestions to .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡ Dear Aunt Nasty, I am a 35 year old man, married for 6 years now. Recently my wife has been giving me excuses instead of sex. She used to enjoy sex (or at least she acted as if she did), but now she always has some excuse not to. What should I do? signed, Dear Horny Husband Well, my dear, it sounds as if she has found another lover, (why else would she not want it???) Perhaps, she finds your skills to be lacking. Why don't you pay me a visit real soon and I'll help you out with your problem. You can relieve your horniness while I evaluate your technique at the same time, and give you some pointers in the ways of keeping your woman happy. AUNT NASTY Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX* ¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡ AUNTNASTY@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.Stepping out onto a porch in the middle of winter, Bill Clinton sees "The President Must Go!" written in urine in the snow on the White House lawn. Royally pissed, he storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front lawn and they wrote it in urine! The person had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stood silent and ashamed. He hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and find out who did it!! I want an answer, and I want it NOW!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well, Mr. President, we have bad news and really bad news." Clinton says, "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and sent it to the FBI lab. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." Clinton says, "Oh my God! My own Vice President! Damn! Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies, "Well sir, it was Hillary's handwriting." .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.Need a web site for your business? M.T. Space Creations "When Impressions are Ideal; http://mtspacecreations.byinter.net/ Mention this ad and receive 10% off your first order. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. * AND NOW FOR THE JOKE OF THE WEEK * An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want," The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice..but pigeon-toed," The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "she's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell.....pregnant when you met her." .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never For more information about advertising in this newsletter send .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.ONE MORE TO GET YOU OVER "HUMP" DAY The Anti-Chain Letter This letter has been sent to you to stop you from sending out chain letters. The original was written in the 3rd century A.D. by a deranged member of the Most Holy Post. That version vanished during the Spanish Inquisition (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition !!!!!!!!!). More recently, it was communicated telepathically to Shirley MacLaine by monks on the planet Mongo in the eighth dimension. Now it's being sent to you. Good things will soon be happening to you if you follow the instructions given in this letter. This is no joke! If you do what this letter says to do, every person who owes you money will repay you. The IRS will never audit you again. Hugh Hefner will invite you to house-sit at the playboy mansion while he and the missus go on a six month vacation. Finally, you will be spotted by a head hunter and whisked off into the fast paced life of an insurance salesman in Kansas. To get all of this good fortune, you must keep this letter for the next five years. If at any time during that time you receive a chain letter, don't send out any copies of it. Instead, you must send this anti-chain letter back to the person who sent you the chain letter (If you don't know who sent it, send a copy of this letter to a random person). At the end of five years, do the following 'de-briefing' ceremony, and you will be done: Throw salt over your shoulder. Throw salt over Zha Zha Gabor's shoulder. Throw Zha Zha over your shoulder. Walk under a ladder. Do the rhumba under a ladder. Pray the rosary. Pray the zippity-doo-dah, zippity-ay. Drink Vitameatavegimin (3 tablespoons at a time) Mix 2 frogs, 3 locks of Michael Jackson's hair, 2 turtledoves, and the remains of this letter in a cauldron and boil at 375 degrees for 2 hours and 3 minutes. Place the whole mixture in the microwave on saute for 6:53 and place in serving bowls, then chill. Gargle, then spit. DO NOT IGNORE THIS LETTER. If you do, nuclear war is a definite possibility. You will develop psoriasis, gout, hemorrhoids, herpes, and/or a common cold. Some day you will definitely die if you ignore this letter!!!!! Furthermore, your next-door neighbor will start a manure farm in his backyard and begin playing the bagpipe (late at night usually). You may even be forced to spend an evening with an accountant and an insurance salesman discussing their work. A police officer from Temecula won the publisher's clearing house sweepstakes. A girl in Chicago got the letter and continued sending out chain letters anyway. She died a month later when a ream of paper fell off a truck and crushed the Fahrvervgnugen out of her Volkswagen Bug. Madonna obeyed the letter and discovered the razor. A lot of women didn't follow the letter's instructions and became mothers of Wilt Chamberlain's illegitimate children. Don't send out those chain letters and see what happens. You will be shocked to find that none of their curses come true. The person you send this anti-chain letter to will be heartily amused, and besides, its much easier to send out one copy of this than 5 or 20 copies of some dreary chain letter. Do note the following: All of the passengers of the Titanic received this letter. When someone on the boat started a chain letter going, they all ignored this letter and passed it along, and the result is history. Dick Grayson carried out the letter's instructions and became Robin, Batman's Boy Wonder. Both Mike Tyson and Robin Givens received this letter and threw it away. Then they got married. Clarence Thomas followed the letter's instructions. Charles Keating didn't. In 1987, the letter was received by a young woman in California. It was very faded and barely readable. She promised herself that she would not send out chain letters. A year later she forgot, and when she received a chain letter, she faithfully typed out the ten copies of the letter and placed them in envelopes. She developed breast cancer, and the doctors told her she would lose both breasts. While rummaging through her desk looking for a bottle of sleeping pills, she found this letter. She immediately threw away all of the copies of the chain letter she had prepared. The next day, the doctors told her they had mistaken someone else's X-ray for hers, and that she was perfectly healthy. Now she's a showgirl in Las Vegas. Remember, send no chain letters. Do not ignore this letter. It Works! .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.Never say goodbye when you still want to try. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. The mathematician Von Blecks .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.SOME SMUTTY LINKS Some disciplinary spanking.. 2 ladies wrestling around Not even out of her panties yet... Picture proof that THESE girls all screw! Guys...or girls??? .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
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