Issue 6

NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents

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NIMFO'S NASTIES

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The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men more. - Collen McCullough (I'll take 40, 25-year-olds, please and thank you!)

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The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details............:

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins. Child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilized.

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I don't know if I should feel insulted or complimented by the following list, since approximately one half applies to yours truely. (Many people insist that nymphomaniac is just a polite way of saying slut!) Comments in {} are mine.

**Can You Say Ho?**

You become a Vaseline spokesperson.

You go through a Sealy (tm) a week {Actually, it was 3!}

Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself... just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.

When they change your area code to 976.

Tetracycline is your best friend.

McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal". {But everyone else calls me "Hoover"}

It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.

When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door. {I'm more organized than that!}

Your day starts and ends by rolling over. {can't think of a better way to start and end the day...can you?}

When the sperm bank calls for remnants.

When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

When your ceiling mirrors fog. {aren't they supposed too?}

When they install a revolving door at your apartment. {hey now!! They took it out}

When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door. {See! I do my part for our country too!}

Madonna comes to you for pointers. {She needs more than a few pointers!}

When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink. {ok, so I'm cheap!}

When you have a room key to every hotel in town.

Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.

The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon. {I'm hoping we'll soon have the chance to try that too!}

When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot" {YeeHaw!!!}

When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop. {no comment!}

When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.

When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend". {Men have always thought so.}

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SENT IN BY OUR READERS
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A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?" "Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station." The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no ride." She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly." So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back with the chickens!" About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no ride!"

So, the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in back with the chickens! A few miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the truck and approached the officer. "What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?" The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!"

{Thanks to Shawmaness for that traveling tale.}

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Want your *moment* in the spotlight??
To be more famous than ________(fill in blank
with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make
your name a household word across the nation; worldwide even!!

Well maybe not worldwide...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide....
ok, ok..not even a household word, but we will give you credit
for your contributions. GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back!
WITH INTEREST!!!
(@-g-@)

Send your contributions, comments and/or suggestions to
Nasties@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st

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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡

Dear Aunt Nasty,

There's this guy at work that I dated some time ago, who keeps asking me to go out with him again, but I've been dating a new guy that I really, really like. I had fun with the guy from work and I don't want to hurt his feelings, so tell me what I should do??

sincerely,
Work too

Dear Work two

My salutation is not an error, it's the way I would play it. Either string them both along deceitfully and double your fun with the chance of getting caught, or tell them about each other and suggest a ménage à trois, and really double your fun. If you should choose some other solution, send the one you don't keep to me for consolation.

AUNT NASTY

¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡

Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *DATING* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about
romance and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question
that you'd like some advice on, just send an e-mail to
AUNTNASTY@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st and you can count on her
giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!

¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡

AUNTNASTY@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st

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Just exactly what does a man mean, and want you to be when he calls you a BITCH???

B eautiful As A Rose
I ntelligent In Conversation
T alented At Every Thing You Do
C harming And Very Erotic
H orny The Most Important Part!!!

So girls... Next time a guy calls you a BITCH...... Smile and say......"Of your dreams!!!"

or, the *male* version:

B ootie!
I ntercourse!
T its!
C limax!
H ooooters!

{Swiped from Original Sins}

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* AND NOW FOR THE JOKE OF THE WEEK *
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Two guys have a big knife fight and really tear each other up. One guy ends up in the hospital bandaged from head to toe. He can't even move his lips.

He mumbles to the doctor, "When will I be able to laugh again?"

The doctor says, "Are you nuts? You almost died."

The guy says, "No kidding, Doc, when will I be able to laugh again?"

The doctor says, "You're nuts. You're sewn together with ten feet of thread. Why the hell do you want to know when you can laugh again?"

The guy says, "Because the other guy is getting married next week and I've got his dick in my coat pocket."

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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsers/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers.
We are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell
things to our subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our
readers and because it's something I enjoy doing.

For more information about advertising in this newsletter send
an e-mail to advert@nimfomanyc.isthe.be.st

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ONE MORE TO GET YOU OVER "HUMP" DAY

The victim was celebrating his 40th birthday and somebody got the idea to do a fake lottery prank since this guy was always a big player. So the pranksters video-taped the winning lottery number draw from the week before and bought a ticket matching those numbers. At the party the victim was presented with this ticket in a birthday card. At the time of the lottery draw, the victim was distracted while the pranksters loaded up the video tape. The victim of course had been drinking and was pretty well primed for the prank. He watched the numbers being called in astonishment. Not only was he completely convinced that he had won, he immediately turned to his wife and said: "Now I can get rid of you, you lousy $%#*!!!! You can just get your fat %@$^ out of here and go #+?& yourself!!!"

"Hey pal, about that ticket..."

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I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

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The night started with hot sexual talk,
As they screwed they lost track of the clock.
Throughout the next day,
They continued to play,
Until neither were able to walk!

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SOME SMUTTY LINKS

Let's just say...they have weird tastes.....
http://www.carolinabeachgirls.com/spot/biz3/

OOOOOhhhhh!!! A COSTUME party!
http://www.unsafesex.com/new/1030/

For All The GUYS on the List!
http://s6.pornshare.com/~amusements/thumbs/models/3.htm

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Well that's it for this issue. I hope it brought, at least, a smile to cross your lips. (Although, I can think of something I'd like a WHOLE lot more to cross my lips--yummmmm!)

Speaking of which...Thank you Jeff for that tantalizing taste Tuesday afternoon! I do hope to take it for a more *arduous* test drive sometime soon.

Depressed?? Need a larger portion of Humor to get you through the day?? Didn't get your fill?? Well, never let it be said that the Nimfomanyc didn't satisfy your *HUNGER*!!!! check out the Naughty Nuthouse for *SATISFACTION* http://Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st/