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Issue 7
| What's new |
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.NIMFO'S NASTIES .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.I enjoy dating married men because they don't want anything kinky, like breakfast. - Joni Rodgers (Hallelujah to that one!! Leave the cooking and the cleaning to the wives, and I'll take care of the rest!) .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.A PERSONAL NOTE Hi Everyone, and welcome to all the new readers of this list. It's been a really crazy week, and I didn't have much time to spend on searching out this weeks material, but I hope you all enjoy the jokes. Here's wishing you all a Happy and "Fulfilling" Thanksgiving. Also, I would like to voice my appreciation to RonB and the group of wonderful people at NoWonder.com for all his help last week with my tech problem. If you ever are in need of technical support, give this site a visit. http://www.nowonder.com/ .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.(I like the play on words in this one.) During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancee wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him. When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancee was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all. When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding. "At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. She will answer,'yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honor.' She will respond, 'I honor your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honor and offer all night." .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.And now a TIP for those of you who spend any amount of time online... TRY this GREAT service for FREE!!! NEVER miss a phone call again!!! Try Pagoo for 30 days for Free...and I'm sure you'll agree their service is one that you use and appreciate every time you go online. No more worries about missing an important call or being unavailable to friends and family, without the expense of installing a second line!! http://www.pagoo.com/asp/referral/linkto.asp?B=102&RefID=4804 .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.¡¡¡ PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ¡¡¡ VIRUS ALERT - W97M/Prilissa Find out more about this virus...Click here... http://www.mcafee.com/viruses/prilissa .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?" Blonde, "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing." .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.From 20 to 30 if a man live right, {swiped from Original Sins} .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. SENT IN BY OUR READERS What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are. What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him. What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole. What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake! What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together. What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents. What they get: 3 hellions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell. {Thanks to Kat for those marriage miseries.} .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? Well maybe not worldwide...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... Send your contributions, comments and/or suggestions to .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡ Dear Aunt Nasty, My boyfriend has been after me to try anal sex with him, but I keep telling him no. I have tried it before. It hurt and I didn't like it at all, but I can't tell him that because he thinks he is the only one I have ever been with. It is starting to become an issue, and while I don't want to lose him, I do not wish to have to suffer through anal sex. sincerely, Dear No Butt My dear, you simply haven't had anal sex performed correctly if you didn't like it. My goodness no! I thought the same way for many years, and then one day, my lover surprised me at the PERFECT time, and I have been hooked ever since. You simply haven't experienced an *orgasm* until you've experienced an anal orgasm. And try double penetration for the absolute *ultimate* in orgasms. AUNT NASTY Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX* ¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡ AUNTNASTY@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy, "The bull just screwed the brown cow." There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow." The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy." "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" "He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!" .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. Need a web site for your business? M.T. Space Creations "When Impressions are Ideal; http://mtspacecreations.byinter.net/ Mention this ad and receive 10% off your first order. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. * AND NOW FOR THE COMMERCIAL OF THE WEEK * Scorpio Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught. Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre- coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom. Sagittarius Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, games- manship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases. Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom. Capricorn Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long. With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom. Aquarius Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign, and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation. With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom. Pisces Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside. Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom. Aries Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom. Taurus Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale. Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny. Gemini Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order. Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms. Cancer Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history known a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections. Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for a Cancer condom. Leo Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom. Virgo Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clean. Virgos tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual. Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloweration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom. Libra Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand- painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never For more information about advertising in this newsletter send .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.ONE MORE TO GET YOU OVER "HUMP" DAY A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old CSM and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias. The CSM replied, "It's history and tradition ... First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?" "Yes," said the Second Lieutenant, "but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?" "That goes waaaay back in history - to the Garden of Eden even. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves." .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. ~ Leo J. Burke .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. Here's to it, and through it, and to it again, .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.SOME SMUTTY LINKS Send out some NAUGHTY Thanksgiving cards...heh heh! Peter North Facial Blasts .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
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