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Welcome to Nimfomanyc's Naughty Newsletter
Where the jokes, quotes, and cartoons are anything..... BUT clean!!!
Q: Why are nymphomaniacs so smart?
A: They're always thinking hard. (And that's a FACT!!!)
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"Only two kinds of people can talk without inhibitions---strangers or lovers. Everyone in between is just negotiating." --James Grippando
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(Responding to a collection agencies attempt to collect.)
Dear Scumbags:
7-26-99
I received your pathetic, ridiculous attempt at legalized extortion yesterday. Just out of curiosity, what's your cut if you collect?
The first thing you need to realize is that I have no credit record to "protect". My credit rating is piss-poor, and I have skipped out on bills all over the United States, West Virginia, and Australia. Your repeated " demands " that I pay your client's 2 year old bill ridicules reality. An unpaid bill only begins to ripen at 3 years, and fully matures into a late payment after 5 years. So quit whining, and get at the end of a long line of collectors. Your post-paid envelopes are always appreciated, however I would prefer that you enclose a postage stamp, which is reusable.
Please skip to Form Letter #16. I always find that one amusing. that's the one where you threaten to put a lien on my home and car, if I don't pay the $36.17 õwed to your client. Be advised that filing a home lien will cost you $71.50, and a car lien $45.25 in filing fees alone. Not withstanding that my home and car were repossed years ago...your arithmetic STINKS.
My motto is : Buy Buy / Bye Bye.
signed,
Endeh Bittuyou
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A SMALL BIT IN THE NEWS:
A Miami high school student tried to sell his virginity to the highest bidder on eBay. Advertising the item as "Young Man's Virginty [sic]," Francis D. Cornworth , 17, attached a smiling school photo and appealed to "the right woman (or man), I'm willing to experiment." Despite assets including membership of the National Honor Society, president of his school's computer and A/V clubs and lead trumpet in a jazz band, he started the bidding at a measly $10, but eBay shut him down...
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AND HERE'S ANOTHER LITTLE TIDBIT IN THE NEWS
(swiped from *original sins*)
**Police Peep at Petite Princess, Punitive Payout Puny**
Former Ms. Petite Massachusetts recently won her court case against Gloucester Police Department. But her victory was *short changed* in monetary damages when the jury awarded her $1 for "post-traumatic stress disorder" which basically boils down to *no sexual relations with hubby* after her arrest. Miss Petite was stopped for a traffic violation, and underwent a strip-search by a female officer for hidden substances... She was asked to *move* the spandex to see if she was *concealing* any weapons or drugs... Ms. Petite claims that the male officers *peeped* at her while she was undressing, causing her "traumatic stress disorder" and thus ending sexual relations with her husband. When arrested, Ms. Petite had on a bikini top and bicycle pants... The jury didn't buy her story...
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A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
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There once was a freshman named Lin
Whose tool was as thin as a pin.
A virgin named Joan
From a Bible belt home
Said, "This won't be much of a sin!"
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"Laugh and the world laughs with you,
Weep and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own."
--Ella Wheeler Wilcox
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AND NOW FOR THE ***TOP*** JOKE OF THE DAY
In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to make a garden. Until he was 72, my father used one and contended that if you knew what you were doing with a good mule, you never needed a hoe for the grass.
Well, there was this old man who had been using a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to see the mule dealer. Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist. At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the last 20 years. (Mules live a long time).
After examinations of the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself.
After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, the old man made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned to be faced with some bad news. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden."
Jim replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it. Where's the mule now?"
"Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him. Hold on a minute while I get your money for you."
"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as a favor, it's my loss, not yours. But, if you will help me load him in the truck, I'll see if I can recover a little for him at the dog food plant."
Well, Jim loads up the mule and drives off. A couple of months later the mule dealer happens to drive by Jim's place and is astonished to see Jim working his garden on a NEW $4,000 garden tractor. Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jim over and asks him how in the world Jim managed such a piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a mule and the mule had died on him.
"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea and I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize... Gardening Equipment. Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment"
"From you"
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"Like I said, I got it from you."
"Man, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet it really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."
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THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
AND, the number one reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
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That's it for this issue. I hope everyone got, at least, a smile from it.
If you liked what you read here, please forward it to ALL your friends.
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See you all next week.
THE Nimfomanyc |
