Issue 10

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NIMFO'S NASTIES

HOLIDAY ISSUE

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Denniston s law: Virtue is its own punishment.

{I haven't a clue as to who Denniston was or is, but I must say, I concur with that "law" whole-heartedly (bodily too!). And I am sooooo thankful to not be one of the "virtuous". lol}

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A PERSONAL NOTE

Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings, Merry Christmas, (and all that other jazz) to everyone and welcome to all the new readers and subscribers.

Whew, am I ever glad to have last week behind me. The doctors couldn't tell me what was wrong but they 'did' know what it wasn't. Which means to say they said I didn't have the flu, but here take these pain killers and you 'should' be fine in a week. lol I knew I didn't have the flu.

But, as they say, all's well that ends well, and here I am, well again. well...??? lol

Thank you to all the subscribers that wrote in wishing me well.

I'm not much of a holiday type person, but as it is the last week before christmas, I guess I'll send out these "ho-ho's" whole the season is upon us.

I am going to be running a contest in the next couple of weeks and as soon as I figure out all the details, I'll post them. So, keep an eye out for them.

I hope you enjoy this weeks issue. If you do, please forward it to all your friends and have them subscribe too. Subscribe and unsubscribe instructions are in the trailer section of this newsletter.

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{The following is one of those things that makes a person smile even if they don't believe. And those that do... well, no matter who your God is, I think you'll like it}

Subject: An eight-year old explains God (Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade.)

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. Since He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your parent's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.

But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important, of course.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time. You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God.

Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God."

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"Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed"

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.....

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........
....(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

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It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there." (pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

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¡¡¡ PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ¡¡¡

Virus Alert - W95/Babylonia

DO NOT open anything that says "serialz.hlp" or "2KBug-MircFix.exe" !!!

Find out more about this virus. Click here... http://www.mcafee.com/viruses/babylonia

Do You Use Internet Relay Chat?.....

Then please take heed, be aware, and as always, never never run a program, if you do not know the person or organization who sent it. And even then, run a virus scan. Update you virus files weekly from now until at least June. The creepazoids are out in full force with the century change!

Subject: Alert: W95.Babylonia
Author: Alfredo_MSN (131.107.3.xxx)
Date: 07-Dec-99 14:16 PT

W95.Babylonia, recently discovered and in-the-wild, is a new breed of virus. Chances are good that your antivirus vendor has or will update their products to catch it -- you'd best check with them.

What makes W95.Babylonia unique is that it continually checks a Web site in Japan every 60 seconds to check for updates to the virus. If it finds one, it downloads it and installs it.

This could make it a hard virus to track down and defeat, as current antivirus technology looks for an identifying pattern in an infected program or system. Updates to the viral code may make this very difficult, as each viral update may change the unique pattern of the virus.

Because this is out in-the-wild, you'd best be careful out there. It spreads through Internet Relay Chat and is mailed to everyone in a chat room when an infected user joins the chat room. The mailing will claim to be a Y2K bug fix. Don't run it!

It is believed this virus was first spread as an infected .HLP file on the Internet--believed to be another first.

More information is available from Symantec: <http://www.sarc.com/avcenter/venc/data/w95.babylonia.html>;

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{Hmmmm, Santa might want to know about this.....}

An AOLer's Christmas

'Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.
I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows 95.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!

-- Unknown

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SENT IN BY OUR READERS
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One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. Then when he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were no where to be found. He began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys all over. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa, isn't is just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

{Thanks goes to K-T for that adorable 'tail'!}

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Want your *moment* in the spotlight??
To be more famous than ________(fill in blank
with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make
your name a household word across the nation; worldwide even!!

Well maybe not worldwide...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide....
ok, ok..not even a household word, but we will give you credit
for your contributions. GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back!
WITH INTEREST!!!
(@-g-@)

Send your contributions, comments and/or suggestions to
Nasties@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st

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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡

Dear Aunt Nasty,

I'm a man with a major dilemma. I am married to the mother of my daughter whom I adore more than life, but recently, I've met the most beautiful woman whose soul matches her outer beauty. She is the perfect woman for me in all but one area. She is wanton and eager, and all that a man could want in bed, but no matter what she does, she can't make me cum, so I am cheating on them both in order to have gratification. What should I do? Oh, I almost forgot, I can't leave my wife because I would never get to see my daughter.

Futilely Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Well! Wow! That is some dilemma! The daughter issue does seem to put a real bind on things. My advice in this situation.... hmmmm,...Remain in your marriage and talk to this wonder woman. Be HONEST. Tell her your concerns, AND about the sexual concern too! Then tell her what it is that DOES make you cum. If she cares, she'll either go the distance or she won't. Either way, you'll be better off and you won't be wasting precious time in finding out.

Aunt Nasty

Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX* and *DATING* For many years now, people everywhere have been seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like some advice on, just send an e-mail to AUNTNASTY@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st and you can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!

¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡

AUNTNASTY@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st

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{Yet, another, christmas ode}

'Twas the night before Christmas (revisited!)

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except me and my spouse

The stockings were empty, no presents were wrapped
We were way behind schedule and our resources tapped

The children were nestled all snug in the beds,
While the horrors of assembling danced in our heads

Dad armed with a screwdriver, ready and poised
To build a red trike for one of our boys.

When off in the hall there arose a strange noise
We dove over boxes to hide all the toys

The thud, it turned out, was our dumb puppy Paul
Who was chasing the cat and ran into the wall

Back to his task, Dad cursed at his mess
I suspect he was lost, but he’d never confess

He wrestled with parts and fumbled with tools,
emailed the manufacturer and called them all fools.

After hours of struggle, the bike finally took shape,
With a few cuts and bruises and the aid of duct tape

He stood back and gaped at the bike he just built
It weaved and it wobbled and rolled with a tilt

His frustration grew; his voice shook as he spoke
"The directions are Greek, it’s all a sick joke"

At this point he snapped, his thinking unclear
He’ll do something stupid; this was my big fear.

He grabbed each toy’s instructions, oh why won’t he learn,
Tossed them into the fire, chanting "burn baby burn"

"Burn Disney, burn Huffy, to blazes with you
Burn Fisher Price, Playskool and Hasbro, too"

As smoke filled the room, this was his first clue
That in a moment of haste, he had neglected the flue

To the top of the mantle, to the top of the wall
A black cloud developed and ash settled on all

Soot landed on stockings and covered the tree
And gave a look of charcoal to all we could see

The firemen came, this wasn’t going to be fun
Seems the neighbors saw smoke and called 9-1-1

Out came the axe, out came the hoses
Out came a Dalmatian who trampled my roses.

"There’s no trouble here," I swore up and down
Realizing this faux pas would soon be ‘round town

"My husband’s a good man," I tried to explain
"The instructions weren’t clear. It drove him insane"

The fire chief nodded and gathered his crew
Hopped onto their truck and away they all flew

But I heard them converse as they drove out of sight
"Her husband’s the third jerk who’s done that tonight!"

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* AND NOW FOR THE "GIFT" OF THE WEEK *
~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~

{Leave it to sports loving men to come up with something that not only makes them out to be such good guys, but it's cheap too, without appearing so. lol}

NEW YORK, Dec. 11

The National Football League (NFL) today announced that its members have voted to make Mothers' Day its official Holiday of the Year as a Christmas present to all mothers. The vote was 70% to 30%.

In explaining the reasoning for the gallant move honoring mothers, a spokesman said, "The first half word uttered by 70% of our members is 'Mother.' That and the fact that members, upon seeing themselves on camera, immediately salute their beloved mothers by yelling 'Mother!' or mouthing or yelling 'Hi Mom!'" It is expected that brothers in the National Basketball Association (NBA) will follow the NFL lead in honoring America's mothers. The spokesman said such a move would make both Associations "The Biggest Mother Lovers of all time."

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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsers/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers.
We are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell
things to our subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our
readers and because it's something I enjoy doing.

For more information about advertising in this newsletter send
an e-mail to advert@nimfomanyc.isthe.be.st

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ONE MORE TO GET YOU OVER "HUMP" DAY

'Twas the Day AFTER Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"

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I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. -- Larry Lee

{Please, please provide this Nymphomaniac with some relief!! Temporary relief works even!}

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Said a swinging young girl named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."

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{ok, I lied, here's yet another!}

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile . . the parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year . . . now you know the reason
I found me a blonde . . I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

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SOME SMUTTY LINKS

Some fun animated smutty toons here
http://www.allsexsites.com/ravensxxx/samples.htm

If you've never seen a dick sing....you're in for a
surprise! (We may blast this link off the map a couple
times...keep trying)
http://www.crazyshit.com/media/images/singing_dick.mpeg

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Well that's it for this issue. Hopefully, it TIT-illated at least your funny BONE! Have a safe and happy holiday, PLEASE!
Depressed?? Need a larger portion of Humor to get you through the day?? Didn't get your fill?? Well, never let it be said that the Nimfomanyc didn't satisfy your *HUNGER*!!!! check out the Naughty Nuthouse for *SATISFACTION* http://Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st/