Issue 2

NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents

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NIMFO'S NASTIES

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YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY IN THE E.R. WHEN...

You show up for work and notice bars have just been installed on all the windows and there is now a metal detector at the hospital entrance.

The paramedics in the parking lot are all using mops to clean up their ambulances and the EMTs are using a hose.

The off-going shift has a hard time keeping a straight face when giving report, especially about Room 15.

Your first patient of the day insists there is no way that she can be pregnant. She's crowning.

Your next five patients and their families all scream at you in different languages, none of which you speak.

The intoxicated 250 pound transvestite in Room 15 keeps trying to get your home phone number because you "are just too sweet."

Your next patient has maggots but isn't dead.

The hospital's attorney wants to talk to you but her secretary won't tell you what it's about.

The hospital has a surprise disaster drill. You were the only one who wasn't tipped off.

The Department is completely empty and one of the off-goingshift says, "It's been that way all night, hope you have a quiet day!"

No one remembered to buy coffee.

You have writers' cramp and still have 7 hours of the shift left.

The psychiatric patient who thinks he is Jesus was placed in the same room as another patient who thinks he is Satan.

The Hospital Administrator left you a cryptic message about a news crew showing up "sometime today to do a little filming, so everyone act natural."

In the middle of a disaster drill two real trauma patients present themselves.

It's the first day for the new medical interns, paramedic and nursing students all at the same time.

The paramedics tell you the patient you just received with a closed head injury, flail chest, and positive belly tap is in "much better shape than the one still being cut out of the minivan."

You hear there is an influenza epidemic traveling like wild fire through the local convalescent homes.

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A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

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SENT IN BY OUR READERS
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NOTICE FROM THE CLINTON WHITE HOUSE
PLEASE READ AND PASS ON TO ALL CONCERNED CITIZENS
Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

What can I say?

{Thanks to Sibworm for that beauty.}

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Want your *moment* in the spotlight??
To be more famous than ________(fill in blank
with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make
your name a household word across the nation; worldwide even!!!

Well maybe not worldwide...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide....
ok, ok...not even a household word, but we will give you credit
for your contributions. GUARANTEED!!! Or your joke/quote back!
WITH INTEREST!!!
(@-g-@)

Send your contributions, comments and/or suggestions to
Nimfo's_Nasties@Nimfomanyc.IsTheBe.st

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The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, alright!" The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, again the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

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* AND NOW FOR THE JOKE OF THE WEEK *
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A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off at work and the children were in school. After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting to hear it speak, but unfortunately they were quite expensive.

One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully colored parrot and asked the owner of the store for the price of the bird. The owner said he let it go for $50. Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

Before accepting her money, the owner said, "I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff." The woman was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she decided to buy it anyway.

When she got home she placed the bird's cage in her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird studied his new surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a little taken at the implication of what she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn't really all that bad.

When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird Looked them over and said,"New house, new madam, new whores!" After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined their mother in laughter.

Shortly after 5PM the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, same old faces. Hi Sam!"

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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
have more than 3 sponsers/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers.
We are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell
things to our subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our
readers and because it's something I enjoy doing.

For more information about advertising in this newsletter send
an e-mail to advertising@nimfomanyc.isthe.be.st

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ONE MORE TO GET YOU OVER "HUMP" DAY

A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!".

Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go. Well one day a New Yorker broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."

The New Yorker just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"

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Well that's it for this issue. I hope it brought, at least, a
smile to cross your lips. (Although, I can think of something
I'd like a WHOLE lot more to cross my lips--yummmmm!)

Speaking of which...bye bye...I gotta go now...see you next
week....same place...same time.