BARS & DRUNKS

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1. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
2. Job interfering with your drinking.
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the long-lost 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??
8. You can focus better with one eye closed.
9. The parking lot mysteriously moved while you were in the bar.
10. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
11. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
13. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
14. You wake up in the bedroom, your clothes are in the bathroom and your underwear is in the car.
15. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
16. Roseanne looks good.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

LIQUOR AND WOMEN

Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one nite. "My grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six ? What finally got him ???"

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both'll get you in the end."

"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."

The man staggered into the house at three O'clock in the morning. As he made his way into the bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife. His wife sat up in a shot and demanded to know where he had been until three O'clock in the morning.

The man looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy and what is he doing in bed with you?"

The wife responded, "Don't go changing the subject! Where in the hell have you been?"

You cannot have everything, where would you put it?

DUDLEY FUDPUCKER

Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there."

They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"

Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

AMAZING BENNY

A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing Benny tonight!"

With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.

On their 20-year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las Vegas and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"

With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage sloooowly dragging his card table. The couple were amazed and told the bartender, "He did that 20 years ago when we were here...with walnuts. Now he does this with coconuts?"

The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not what they used to be."

A twelve-year-old boy walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks."

"You are just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?"

"Maybe in a few years," replied the boy. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."