BARS & DRUNKS #2

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Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from California went into a bar bragging about who was the badest of the three.

The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here".

When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers. She was startled.

The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it".

Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.

The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.

The California cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry".

Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.

The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"

"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself".

Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these... it might have been. ~ John Greenleaf Whittier ~

BANKER

So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. A dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.

Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."

"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."

"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."

"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."

"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."

It is better to sleep on things than lie awake about them afterward. ~ Baltasar Gracian ~

HOLDING OUT FOR LOVE

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband really upset."

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got a sore ass, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?"

The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking."

"Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you sober up."

Love is being able to walk arm in arm... even when you don't see eye to eye.

Man, that Bartholomew is sick!

ENTERTAINING

Two buddies were having a few before they went home and the conversation turned to their wives. One said to the other, "I find my wife entertaining."

"Gee... that's great." replied his drinking buddy. "Wish I could say that."

"Yeah ? Well... you wouldn't think it was so great if you found her entertaining every damn time you went in the door."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini. Thirty seconds later a lady walks in and ordered a triple martini.

The bartender says, "Wow! Two back-to-back triple martini's!! Are you celebrating anything??"

She says, "Yes, for ten years, I've been trying to get pregnant and this morning I left the doctors office and he said I was pregnant!"

The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Are you celebrating anything?"

And the guy says, "Yes. I breed peacocks. And for ten years, I've been trying to breed a peacock with blue eyes. I walked out from the birdhouse this morning and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!!"

The bartender says, "Congratulations!! How'd ja do it??"

He said, "I changed cocks."

She said, "That's how I got pregnant!"