BARS & DRUNKS #3

The other evening a really shy friend of mine spotted a real knock out in a bar a few stools away. He moved over and sat next to her, but was too embarrassed to speak. So, he ordered his next drink and one for her, and paid for them both.

She nodded her thanks, but neither spoke.

This went on for three rounds. Finally, emboldened by the liquor, he said, "Pardon me. But do you ever go to bed with strange men?"

"I never have before," she said smiling, "but I believe you've talked me into it, you clever silver-tongued devil, you."

 

IN AGREEMENT

Three men who always stopped at their favorite bar after work were discussing their jobs and tieing one on and getting rather smashed.

Suddenly one of the fellows looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Good God! It's nearly two o'clock, boy! Are we ever gonna' catch holy hell when we get home!"

Second guy says, "Shay, I got an idee...let's just agree with the broads in everything they shay,and (hic-cup,belch) we'll meet back here tomorrow night, God willing and the creek don't rise."

Next evening,they lucked out and met at the bar and were telling their experiences.

First guy says, "Man was I ever loaded last night, but crept in the house and I was as dry as bone and started to get a glass of water and dropped it in the floor and broke the glass. My wife said, 'Why don't you break every glass in the house?' So I got my boy's baseball bat and broke every glass in the house."

Second man says, "Well, I was dry too and I spilt a little water on the floor and my old lady said, 'Why don't you flood the whole house?' So I got the water hose and flooded the damn house."

It's the third blokes turn to tell his story and he begins by saying, "Hell you guys ain't heard nothing yet. My old lady is such clean freak that I quitely pussyed-footed into our bedroom and snuck under the covers and started feeling her up. I played around with her big tits a bit, then I began getting a little lower and lower, lower, and right down to her "honey-box", when all of a sudden the bitch cried out,'You son of a bitch, cut that out!' Look here, boys, have you all ever seen one up close?"

This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john.

He saw a stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, and did his thing.

Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps to find, to his surprise, that the bar which had been so crowded a few minutes ago, was now empty.

"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"

From behind the bar a voice responded, "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~

 

MILLIONAIRES??

There are two Irish fellows, Paddy and Murphy, in a bar in the wild west who are totally drunk. All of a sudden, a man walks into the bar with a red Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I fucking hate Indians, last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children."

He then says, "If any man brings me the head of a red Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two Irish fellows look at each other and walk out of the bar to go looking for an Indian. They've been walking around for a while when suddenly they see one, so Paddy throws a stone which hits the Indian right on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands seventy feet down a ravine, so the two Irish men make their way down the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off.

Whilst in the middle of doing this, Murphy suddenly says, "Paddy, look at this."

Paddy replies, "Not now, I'm busy."

Murphy tugs him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Paddy keeps on sawing and says, "Look, fuck off, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Murphy's adamant. "Please, Paddy look at this."

So Paddy finally looks up and standing at the top of the ravine are 5,000 red Indians. Paddy shakes his head in disbelief and says, "Fuck me, we're going to be millionaires!"

Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a Southern Baptist preacher was making his weary way home. As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation.

"Oh no," said the preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself."

Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree.

Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preacher's car. Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury.

When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled, "Who the hell are you?"

The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that."

"My God preacher, that you?"

"Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk."

"You OK preacher?"

"Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me."

"You better let him ride with me. Way you drive, you gonna kill him.

"AH HA! Distributing Alcohol to Minors again."

 

CALL ME LUCKY

A man walks into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey George, how about a beer."

George replies, "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky."

"Why call you Lucky?"

"Well, I was changing a flat on the highway, when I realized I had forgot something in the car. Right after I walk away, a semi drives by and knocks the car right off the jack. Would of landed right on me."

"Boy you are lucky."

The next day George walks back into the bar and the bartender said, "Hey Lucky, how about a beer."

"Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky Lucky."

"Now what happened?"

"Well, me and my old lady was having sex last night, when the guy downstairs got mad, because of the noise, and he shot his gun off and the bullet got me right in the nuts."

"Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?"

"A minute earlier he would have got me right between the eyes."

One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up the other drunk's ass.

A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what they're doing. "What the hell are you doing with your finger up his ass?" yells the cop.

"I'm trying to make him puke!" says the drunk.

"Well, you won't make him puke by sticking your finger up his ass!" the cop says.

"I will when I stick it in his mouth," says the drunk.