BARS & DRUNKS #4

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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK!!- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so. When he returns, without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --BONG!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

"The best protection any woman can have . . . is courage." ~ Elizabeth Cady Stanton ~

CUT OFF

A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

A guy walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender, slams his fist down on the bar and says, "I'm Neil Brown. I'm six foot four, three hundred pounds. I have a fourteen inch cock, and I want a beer!"

Hearing this, the bartender faints dead away.

Some people in the bar run to help the bartender. As he is being revived, he looks up at Neil and says, "What did you say?"

Once again the man exclaims, "I'm Neil Brown. I'm six foot four, three hundred pounds. I have a fourteen inch cock, and I want a beer!"

The bartender then stands, looking much relieved and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said kneel down."

"In action, be primitive; in foresight, a strategist" ~ Rene Char ~

GLEN IRIS #22

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.

Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks is she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne."

"That's amazing," she says, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street," he says.

"This is unbelievable," she says, "what number?"

He says, "Number 20," and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this," she says, "I'm from number 22 - my parents still live there!"

"I know," he says, "your father gave me $1,000 to give you."

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

"Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts." ~ Albert Einstein ~

DON'T YE BELIEVE ME

Late one Friday night the Garda spotted Sean O"Connell driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.

"And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.

"Then I had to drive me friend Seamus home and O' course I had to go in for a Guiness or two - couldn't be rude, d'ye know.

"Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .."

And he fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of Jamieson's, which he held up for inspection.

The Garda sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Very Indignantly indeed Sean said, "Why? Don't ye believe me then?!?"