BARS & DRUNKS #5

Page 1     Page 2     Page 3     Page 4     Page 5

What's new

powered by FreeFind

Site map

A man walks into a pub and, with the most sorry look on his face, pleads to the barman; "Look, my wife has left me, I`ve been fired, I`ve just been mugged and lost all money I had. I`m desperate for a drink. Can you help me out??"

"Of course," said the landlord, "The door`s behind you. Do you want to be pushed or carried?"

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? ~ Lily Tomlin ~

OLD BOB

A miner comes into a saloon one day after being in the mountains for 6 months. He sits down and sets down a little bag of gold dust and says to the bartender: Bartender! Give me whiskey by god!

So the bartender gives him the whiskey and a shot glass. After a few drinks he asks: Bartender! Do you have any women in this town?

Bartender: No, no women. But we got old Bob round' back.

Miner: That's sick. I don't go in for that sort of thing.

So the miner goes back up into the mountains for another 6 months. He comes back into the same town and goes to the same saloon, sets down a little bag of gold dust and says: Bartender! Give me whiskey by god.

The bartender sets down the whiskey and a shot glass again. After a few shots the miner says: Bartender! You got any women in this town yet?

Bartender: No not yet. Still got old Bob round' back though.

Miner: I told you once that I don't go in for that sort of thing.

The miner gets up and goes back into the mountains for another 6 months. He comes back into the same town to the same saloon. He gets in and sets a little bag of gold dust on the table and says: Bartender! Give me whiskey by god.

The bartender gives him the whiskey and a shot glass like before. After a few drinks the miner asks: Bartender! Have you got any women in this town yet?

Bartender: No not yet. But we still have old Bob round' back.

Miner: Listen. if I do this thing with old Bob, how many people will know about it?

Bartender: Well there's you, me, old Bob of course, and two other guys.

Miner: Why two other guys?

Bartender: The two other guys are holding old Bob down. He don't go in for that sort of thing either.

 What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes 
out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
   
  "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
 
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not laugh is a fool. ~ George Santayana ~

Why don't you lick your finger like other people when you turn over the page?

WIN SOME, LOSE SOME

She was an attractive barmaid so Paul slapped a ten on the bar said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Paul took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Paul challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Paul lifted her skirt & away they went.

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Paul said, "You win some, you lose some !!"

He grabbed me by my slender waist
I could not kick or scream
He took me to a darkened room
Where we could not be seen
He then tore off my flimsy wrap
And looked upon my form
I was cold and damp and scared
While he was hot and warm
His feverish lips he pressed to mine
I gave him every drop
He drained me of my very self
I could not make him stop
He made me what I am today
That's why you find me here
A broken little throw-away
That once was full of beer

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~ R.A. Heinlein ~

SINGING FROG

A mangy-looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.

He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And he's playing really well, too.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money, another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.

He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He is a fine singer, with a marvelous voice and great pitch. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is. So they guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his right and sees a black guy come in. The black guy pulls out his cock and it's fucking huge. The black guy goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to a sink, swings his disk and smashes the sink in two, he then goes over to the toilets doors and smashes his cock off the door smashing it in half. He says to the guy, "I'm gonna fuck you up the ass!!!"

The guy says, "Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to hit me with it."