BATTLE OF THE SEXES

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An English professor wrote the words

"Woman without her man is a savage"

on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is a savage."

In todays news: In a FREAK accident at the new NUCLEAR POWERED VIAGRA plant last week, massive amounts of a strange gas escaped from the #1 cooling tower. However, in a press conference today a company spokesperson assured the public that this was a minor incident and that citizens were in no danger of contamination.

 

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

• A CAT always hits the litter box.
• Better chance of training a CAT.
• No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.
• You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
• If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
• A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
• You can de-claw a CAT...but try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
• It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
• You don't have to worry about your CAT turning into a pig when you host a party.
• A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness...a man thinks he is.
• If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

1. Expensive Pussy: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with Greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.
   Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
   Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion.

   Often not worth it.

2. Cheap Pussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.
   Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.
   Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it.

   Often not worth it.

3. Hired Pussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.
   Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced,usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.
   Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk ofdisease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high.

   Often not worth it.

4. Virgin Pussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
   Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.
   Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once.

   Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.

5. Nympho Pussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.
   Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
   Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship.

   Often not worth it.

6. Frigid Pussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).
   Advantages: There are no advantages.
   Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized.

   Never worth it.

7. Innocent Nympho Pussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
   Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Keep it if you can.
   Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.

   Always worth it.

8. Party Pussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
   Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
   Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you.

   Often not worth it.

9. Nutsy Pussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. Gives in for no apparent reason... Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
   Advantages: Easy.
   Disadvantages: May tend to kill you while you sleep.

   Never really worth it.

I am not one of those who doesn't believe in love at first sight But I believe in taking a second look! ~ H. Vincent ~

Have you been here long, Dwayne?

USELESS?

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple
Two calves that will never become cows
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything
Twenty nails that won't hold a board
A chest that won't hold linen
Two boobs that won't give milk
Two buns that won't feed anyone
A belly button that won't button
Two balls that won't roll
An ass that won't pull a plow
An organ that won't play music
A cock that won't crow

And what are YOU laughing about ladies?
You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

To me, consensus seems to be the process of abandoning all beliefs, principles, values and policies. So it is something in which no one believes and to which no one objects. ~ Margaret Thatcher ~

 

SIMPLE RULES THAT GUYS DON'T KNOW

1. Nothing says "I love you" like jewelry.
2. You could read my mind if you had one of your own.
3. Farting/burping is not a musical talent.
4. That's not my clitoris!
5. Size does matter.
6. We want you to finish the job before you fall asleep.
7. If you've done something that you think I won't like, buy me some jewelry that will distract me.
8. If we threaten violence on your genitals, don't respond with "You'd suffer too". We can get another set of male genitals - can you?

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?'" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"