BILL GATES & MICROSOFT

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For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Rory John Gates, weighed 8 pounds 12 ounces when he was downloaded, er, born on Sunday, May 23 at 2:40 p.m. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim. ~ Ann Landers ~

SUN?

I saw this morning that Sun is suing MicroSoft for using Java without their permission.

My immediate response was: Bill would probably save money by buying Sun MicroSystems rather than going to court and having to give them lots of money.

I can just see people opening their front door in the morning, picking up their newspaper from the step, seeing the headline 'MicroSoft buys Sun', and looking up in the sky at the big yellow sphere, thinking 'geez... I hope it doesn't crash.

Bill Gates started going out with a whore who called herself Divine. After they had sex for the first time together, Bill said, "I see why you call yourself Divine."

She said, "I see why you call your company Microsoft."

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! ~ Tom Lehrer ~

THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY

Strolling through the singles' bar, Bill Gates spotted a lovely young woman sitting alone at a table, and walked over.

"Say, babe, how about coming along and giving me a little head?"

The woman looked up. "That'll be the day."

Undaunted (he was used to rejection), Bill said, "Well then, how about coming to my apartment and fucking like rabbits?"

Snickering, the woman said, "That'll be the day!"

"Okay," Bill said. "How about taking my limo to my private jet, flying to Tahiti, and spending the weekend on my private beach?"

The woman looked up and smiled at him, saying, "THIS'LL be the day!"

Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $1960 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Kindness is free, cruelty weighs heavy on the heart.

LETTERS FROM CAMP

Dear Mr. Johnson:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.

It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.

We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.

These are some of my little Billy's letters:

Letter # 1

The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

Letter # 2

Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell checked too.

Letter # 3

Dear Mom,

Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.

Love, Billy.

Letter # 4

Dear Mom,

I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Billy.

Letter # 5

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.

Signed, William.

Letter # 6

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.

Regards, William.

Letter # 7

Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely, William.

What can I do, Mr. Johnson?

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,
Concerned Parent

The US Justice Department - unable to sentence Bill Gates to any meaningful economic fine decided that his punishment would be more severe - and sentenced him to eternity in Hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that.

"You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are being tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are being chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young woman with an alluring look on her face, at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation thinking he outsmarted the devil, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door.

As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best room in the house?"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The vintage bottle of wine you see - It has a hole in it.

"That Beautiful young lady - She doesn't"

"What about the PC?"

"Oh, If you look carefully, you'll see that it crashed!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."