BLONDES

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A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed. I tried being a writer and failed. I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, go ahead. I'll give it a try!"

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. ~ William Shakespeare ~

KEEPING TRACK

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions.

"Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to the capitol building?"

The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

The blond haired wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week.

The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at the church. I then bought the bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting experience.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed "For the love of God, Go!..Go! Jesus Christ! Go! Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.

I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.

A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

LOAN PAYMENT

A streetwise stunningly beautiful blonde walked into a bank and asked to see the manager about a loan. When seated in his office, she said, "Look ! Before we get started on this, I heard a story where a girl borrowed some money and she was unable to pay it back. The manager of the bank made her sleep with him for $100 a night until the loan was paid off. Could that happen?"

The bank manager smiled, "Well, I've never heard of such an occurrence, it's not likely..." then he looked her over again, "but... I guess it's not impossible."

"Good!" smirked the blonde, "I'd like to borrow $286,000."

A "Drop Dead Gorgeous" Blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her Golf Lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a good shot" said the Blonde. "Not Bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "What do you mean ?" said the Blonde. "I have a Glass eye" said the golfer. "I don't believe you, Show me" said the Blonde, and he popped his eye out and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot" said the Blonde. "Not Bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "What's wrong with you ?" said the Blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm" said the golfer. "I don't believe you, Show me" said the Blonde, and so he screwed his arm off and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot" said the Blonde. "Not Bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "What's wrong with you ?" said the Blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg" said the golfer. "I don't believe you, Show me" said the Blonde, and so he screwed his leg off and showed her.

The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot" said the Blonde. "Not Bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "What's wrong with you ?" said the Blonde. "I have an artificial heart" said the golfer. "I don't believe you, Show me" said the blonde.

"I can't show you out here in the open" said the golfer "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop". As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up. As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.

You can not plan for the future if you are dwelling in the past. ~ Unknown ~

HELP

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: VYes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

A truck driver was tooling down the highway one afternoon and heard a "pop." Thinking that perhaps he had blown a tire, he steered the rig onto the shoulder and walked back to check his tires.

He found a bottle laying in the gutter. He picked it up and wiped off the label to see what kind of bottle it was when a very old genie popped out.

The genie said, "Man, I'm too old for this! You get one wish--not three--just one."

The driver thought long and hard, and finally said, "It would be really nice for all the bridges to be wide enough that over-sized loads could get through without any trouble."

The genie said, "Do you know how many bridges that would be?! Can't you come up with something simpler?"

The driver replied, "How about if you make all the blondes as smart as brunettes?"

The genie shook his head vigorously and answered, "How wide would you like those bridges?"