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This is an actual job application that someone submitted to a fast-food restaurant:

NAME:

(removed)

DESIRED POSITION:

Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:

$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:

Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:

Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:

Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:

It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:

Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:

1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:

Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:

Scorpio with Libra rising.

Gee, Judy, I think you're missing something.

"If you believe everything you read, you better not read." ~ Japanese Proverb ~

JUST ONE PLEASE

A young executive was leaving the office at 6p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Due to the current financial situation, Management has decide to implement a scheme to put all workers over 40 years of age on early retirement.This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help AFTer retirement).

Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once,SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the management feel appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Management.

"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else." ~ Cyrus Curtis ~

"Is your father home from work?" "I just saw him cum, but he's pretty tired now. I think he's sleeping."

OVERWORKED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has scapegoat.

- Plagiarism saves time.

- If at first you don't succeed, try management.

- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

- The beatings will continue until morale improves.

- Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

- We waste time, so you don't have to.

- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

- Succeed in spite of management.

- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Nobody's perfect. But then who wants to be nobody? ~ Max K. ~

"What was so important you needed to tell me, Daddy?"

*PRACTICAL* JOKE

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else.

When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his lotto ticker and wrote down the numbers then they called over the waitress to set up a little prank.

She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.

After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room:

'I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a ton of money, and I'm leaving!'

End of job. End of marriage. End of story.

The family picture is on His desk - Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on Her desk - Um, her family will come before her career.

His desk is cluttered - He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
Her desk is cluttered - She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.

He is talking with his coworkers - He must be discussing the latest deal.
She is talking with her coworkers -She must be gossiping.

He's not in the office - He's meeting a customer.
She's not in the office - She must be out shopping.

He's having lunch with the boss - He's on his way up.
She's having lunch with the boss - They must be having an affair.

The boss criticized Him - He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized Her - She'll be very upset.

He got an unfair deal - Did he get angry?
She got an unfair deal - Did she cry?

He's getting married - He'll get more settled.
She's getting married - She'll get pregnant and leave.

He's having a baby - He'll need a raise.
She's having a baby - She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.

He's going on a business trip - It's good for his career.
She's going on a business trip - What does her husband say?

He's leaving for a better job - He knows how to recognize a good opportunity.
She's leaving for a better job -Women are not dependable.

Truer words were never said.