CARS & DRIVERS APPLICATIONS

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AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Fix It All the Time

FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Fast On Race Day

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

"Everyday the world turns over on someone who's just been sitting on top of it."

THE DRIVING TEST

The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Most probably from people who failed the first four times)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? 
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
      
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop 
     at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 
     "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? 
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? 
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer 
     drive lawfully? 
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a 
     flashing yellow traffic light? 
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? 
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? 
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Acura Integra: I have always wanted to own the Buick of Japanese sport sedans

AMG Hummer: I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Buick Park Avenue: I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Catera: I learned nothing from the Cimarron

Cadillac Eldorado: I am a pimp

Cadillac Deville: I am a very good Mary Kay Salesperson

Chevrolet Camaro: I enjoy beating up people

Chevrolet Caprice: I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Chevrolet Cavalier coupe: I start 11th grade in the fall

Chevrolet Chevette: I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'vette.

Chevrolet Corvette: I am having a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino: I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chevrolet Tracker: I start 12th grade in the fall

Chrysler Cordoba: I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a Mercedes Benz product.

Datsun 280Z: I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Aspen: I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Neon: I cannot stand the Macarena

Dodge Power Wagon: I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Ford Crown Victoria: I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Ford Explorer: I will not be caught dead in a minivan

Ford Mustang 5.0: I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Mustang 2.3: I avoid Yugos and VW microbuses at the stoplights

Ford Ranchero: I am leading a Militia to overthrow the government

Ford Tempo: I teach fourth grade special education and I voted for Adlai Stevenson

Honda Civic: I just graduated and have no credit at all

Honda Accord: I lack originality and am basically a lemming

Hyundai Accent: I delivered pizza for years in order to get this car

Hyundai Tiburon: I miss the tasteful, conservative and understated styling of the 1974 AMC Matador

Infiniti Q45: I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending

Isuzu I-Mark: I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than the Daihatsu

Jaguar XJS V-12: I am so rich I will pay $60,000.00 for a car that is in the shop 280 days of the year

Kia Sephia: I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu of America

Lexus LS400: I am the lawyer suing the owner of the Infiniti Q45

Lincoln Town Car: I live for bingo and covered supper dishes

Mercury Grand Marquis: I live for bridge and covered supper dishes

Mercedes 600SL: I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph

Mercedes 600SEL: I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Mazda Miata: I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

MGB: I am dating a mechanic

Nissan Altima: I don't know what it means, either

Nissan Maxima: I am still in the closet

Nissan 300ZX: I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings

This country is so full of opportunity. Where else can a wife hire a woman to do her housework so she can volunteer at the Day Care Center where the cleaning woman leaves her child?

WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS....(CONT.)

Oldsmobile Cutlass: I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts

Oldsmobile Cutlass Cruiser: I get carsick driving minivans

Oldsmobile Delta 88 Diesel: I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon: I enjoy the Macarena

Pontiac Trans Am: I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 928: I am dating big-haired women who would otherwise be inaccessable to me

Range Rover: I do not care about J.D. Powers or his surveys

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow: I think Maggie Thatcher is a touch too Whig for me

Rover 3500: I am married to a mechanic

Saturn SL1: I hope someday to make it to a gathering in Spring Hill

Saturn SL2: I made it to a gathering in Spring Hill

Toyota Camry: I have always wanted to own the Oldsmobile of Japanese family sedans

Volkswagen Beetle: I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagen Cabriolet: I am out of the closet

Volkswagen Jetta: I enjoy putting out engine fires

Volkswagen Microbus: I am tripping right now

Volkswagen New Beetle: I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volvo 740 Wagon: I am afraid of my wife

It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic carmaker, Henry Ford.

"Mr.. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest peaked.

Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr..Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building.

Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr.. Ford."

"What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!"

"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"

Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one-half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.

However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:
HI NORM MAX

"Small minds are the first to condemn great ideas."

MOVING FAST

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He jumps in to take it for a spin, and soon has to stop for a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost me half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money", says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whhhoooossshhh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! It looked like the old man on the moped!!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whhhoooossshhh, Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror..."

A car salesman was trying to sell this great car to a client. "Look, this car never fails. See all these buttons on the dashboard ? They keep your car going."

"What's the red button for?"

"Well.. eh.. look, the car really never fails. With this silver button you can calibrate your steering."

"Ok, but the red button?"

"Well, it's eh.. You know, never for a second will this car let you down. It'll do its job day and night, in hot and cold weather, always."

"YES, I KNOW, BUT THE RED BUTTON?"

"Well, you know, imagine that in the unbelievable and impossible case your car might seem to fail, you push this red button and off you go again."

"So this car ...."

"No", said the salesman, "Look, a man can't get pregnant, but in the unbelievable and impossible case that he MIGHT get pregnant ... he already has nipples."