CHAIN MAIL LETTERS

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This letter has been sent to you to stop you from sending out chain letters. The original was written in the 3rd century A.D. by a deranged member of the Most Holy Post. That version vanished during the Spanish Inquisition (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition !!!!!!!!!).

More recently, it was communicated telepathically to Shirley MacLaine by monks on the planet Mongo in the eighth dimension. Now it's being sent to you. Good things will soon be happening to you if you follow the instructions given in this letter.

This is no joke! If you do what this letter says to do, every person who owes you money will repay you. The IRS will never audit you again. Hugh Hefner will invite you to house-sit at the playboy mansion while he and the missus go on a six month vacation. Finally, you will be spotted by a head hunter and whisked off into the fast paced life of an insurance salesman in Kansas.

o get all of this good fortune, you must keep this letter for the next five years. If at any time during that time you receive a chain letter, don't send out any copies of it. Instead, you must send this anti-chain letter back to the person who sent you the chain letter (If you don't know who sent it, send a copy of this letter to a random person).

At the end of five years, do the following 'de-briefing' ceremony, and you will be done:

Throw salt over your shoulder. Throw salt over Zha Zha Gabor's shoulder. Throw Zha Zha over your shoulder. Walk under a ladder. Do the rhumba under a ladder. Pray the rosary. Pray the zippity-doo-dah, zippity-ay. Drink Vitameatavegimin (3 tablespoons at a time)

Mix 2 frogs, 3 locks of Michael Jackson's hair, 2 turtledoves, and the remains of this letter in a cauldron and boil at 375 degrees for 2 hours and 3 minutes.

Place the whole mixture in the microwave on saute for 6:53 and place in serving bowls, then chill.

Gargle, then spit.

DO NOT IGNORE THIS LETTER. If you do, nuclear war is a definite possibility. You will develop psoriasis, gout, hemorrhoids, herpes, and/or a common cold. Some day you will definitely die if you ignore this letter!!!!!

Furthermore, your next-door neighbor will start a manure farm in his backyard and begin playing the bagpipe (late at night usually). You may even be forced to spend an evening with an accountant and an insurance salesman discussing their work.

A police officer from Temecula won the publisher's clearing house sweepstakes. A girl in Chicago got the letter and continued sending out chain letters anyway. She died a month later when a ream of paper fell off a truck and crushed the Fahrvervgnugen out of her Volkswagen Bug. Madonna obeyed the letter and discovered the razor. A lot of women didn't follow the letter's instructions and became mothers of Wilt Chamberlain's illegitimate children.

Don't send out those chain letters and see what happens. You will be shocked to find that none of their curses come true. The person you send this anti-chain letter to will be heartily amused, and besides, its much easier to send out one copy of this than 5 or 20 copies of some dreary chain letter.

Do note the following: All of the passengers of the Titanic received this letter. When someone on the boat started a chain letter going, they all ignored this letter and passed it along, and the result is history.

Dick Grayson carried out the letter's instructions and became Robin, Batman's Boy Wonder. Both Mike Tyson and Robin Givens received this letter and threw it away. Then they got married. Clarence Thomas followed the letter's instructions. Charles Keating didn't.

In 1987, the letter was received by a young woman in California. It was very faded and barely readable. She promised herself that she would not send out chain letters. A year later she forgot, and when she received a chain letter, she faithfully typed out the ten copies of the letter and placed them in envelopes. She developed breast cancer, and the doctors told her she would lose both breasts. While rummaging through her desk looking for a bottle of sleeping pills, she found this letter. She immediately threw away all of the copies of the chain letter she had prepared. The next day, the doctors told her they had mistaken someone else's X-ray for hers, and that she was perfectly healthy. Now she's a showgirl in Las Vegas.

Remember, send no chain letters. Do not ignore this letter. It Works!

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. ~ La Rochefoucauld ~

GET RICH QUICK

Dear Friends, My name is Norm and I've got an amazing story to tell you, a story that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!

One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp. Rubbing it on my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened. A genie appeared. He told me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass.

Well, I was skeptical at first. I mean, come on, shitting nickels? But I decided to give it a try. I wrapped my brain around the problem to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the shortest amount of time and it hit me... A chain letter, an ostensibly illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted. Well, I went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get people to duplicate my annoying spam.

Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO EVERYONE!

Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT! And better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY SHIT, YOU'LL SHIT A PENNY!

Let's look at the math with EASY TO GET responses:

With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate you... that's 21,250 - OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS...RIGHT OFF THE BAT!

And those people can be used over and over again. Let's say that just one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!! Even if they're the same people who got pissed off at you, that's still going to mean ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS!!!!

PYRAMID SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERE'S NO ONE LEFT... BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOU'LL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!

Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Of course, you'll have to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them. But that's nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE!

Trust me folks, it works. It's a proven fact that if you post pyramid scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU! They'll send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of names, BUT YOU'LL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS!

In my e-mail today, there was this little goodie:

HEY! What's up? I've got a cool surprise in store for you and your buds. Send this to at least twenty of your closest online friends and then press the Shift key and Spacebar at the same time. Britany Spears' AOL Screen Name will appear in your buddy list! I did this and Now Britany and I chat all the time!! She is sooo cool!!! Trust me. If you do this, you won't regret it....

Now if you REALLY look at it, you can see that sending an e-mail, then hitting the shift and spacebar key will get you NOTHING except a stupid feeling that you have been taken for a complete idiot. I didn't even have to bother checking any hoax sites to figure this one out.

Amazingly there were over 400 e-mail addresses on it from various people it had been forwarded to!! 20 different people had forwarded this to 20 friends...found out how stupid they were...then NOT written back to the 20 people they had sent it to so their friends would know that it was not going to work.

Now all those 400 names are certainlly in the hands of spammers, as some of the addresses sent to were free for all chat lists, going to who knows how many people.

MY SUGGESTION to eliminate cloggin up every one of your friends mailboxes with such crap is this...

1. Write up an e-mail with ALL your friends e-mail addresses on it, then send it to yourself. Keep the copy you get in a safe place.

2. Every time you get a piece of SPAM mail...forward a copy of the mail with all your friends addresses to the address that is spamming you. Be sure to keep a copy of all the SPAM addresses you send it to.

3. Every week or so write to all your friends and tell them exctly what SPAM lists you have sent their addresses to. This will enable them to all personally thank you for each piece of spam mail that you are responsible for. [Who knows...maybe they will ALL be interested in buying Authentic Naugahyde Replicas of Cleopatra's Favorite Dildo (in a selection of 5 different colors).] At least this way all of your friends know that you would never be stupid enough to pass on a dumb obviously fake hoax letter...and that you DO care enough about them to ensure that everybody in the world that wants to sell them something gets a chance. And this way they will know who is responsible when their mailbox gets filled up with crap.

"A good teacher, like a good entertainer, first must hold his audience's attention. Then he can teach the lesson." ~ John Henrik Clarke ~

SCREWING THE PUBLIC

Bill Clinton walks into a whorehouse looking for some fun. He sees three women that he really wants to screw, but can't decide which one to do first. He approaches the first lady and says, "Hi. I'm Bill Clinton. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She says, "Oh, the president! For you, two hundred and fifty dollars." Clinton appraoches the second lady and asks the same thing. She says one twenty five.

Clinton approaches the third girl and asks the same question. She says ,"Well, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get your dick as hard as the times, keep it as high as the meat and gas prices, and screw me the way you do the public, it wouldn't cost you a goddamn cent!"

Hello,

My name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion bloody forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 bloody cents every time you send me the letter.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How bloody stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big Balls Up to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Ceaser in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Bugger them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I DON'T BLOODY CARE.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends.

"Teachers open the door. You enter by yourself." ~ Chinese Proverb ~

ASSAY OF AN ESSAY

Let's face it - - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are parts of dead animals. We take English for granted. However, if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposite, while quite a few and quite a lot are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the other day.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or spicable?

And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it

(Responding to a collection agencies attempt to collect.)

Dear Scumbags:
7-26-99

I received your pathetic, ridiculous attempt at legalized extortion yesterday. Just out of curiosity, what's your cut if you collect?

The first thing you need to realize is that I have no credit record to "protect". My credit rating is piss-poor, and I have skipped out on bills all over the United States, West Virginia, and Australia. Your repeated " demands " that I pay your client's 2 year old bill ridicules reality. An unpaid bill only begins to ripen at 3 years, and fully matures into a late payment after 5 years. So quit whining, and get at the end of a long line of collectors. Your post-paid envelopes are always appreciated, however I would prefer that you enclose a postage stamp, which is reusable.

Please skip to Form Letter #16. I always find that one amusing. that's the one where you threaten to put a lien on my home and car, if I don't pay the $36.17 õwed to your client. Be advised that filing a home lien will cost you $71.50, and a car lien $45.25 in filing fees alone. Not withstanding that my home and car were repossessed years ago...your arithmetic STINKS.

My motto is : Buy Buy / Bye Bye.

signed,
Endeh Bittuyou