CHILDREN'S STORIES

Page 1     Page 2     Page 3    Page 4

What's new

powered by FreeFind

Site map

The Rev. Jerry Falwell recently outed Tinky Winky, from the television show, "Teletubbies", because, Falwell pronounced, "The character is clearly a fount of gayness.

He is purple, the gay color, he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and he carries a purse, something all gay people do." But Falwell's work is far from over. Following are some other targets he is preparing to go after...

FRED FLINTSTONE
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team; "Twinkle-Toes Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" He wears an orange vest with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.

BUGS BUNNY
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp.

VELMA (OF SCOOBY DOO)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.

POPEYE
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.

BATMAN AND ROBIN
Evidence: Robin's nickname - Boy Wonder. Batman's real name is Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."

PEPPERMINT PATTY
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname; Sir.

THE PINK PANTHER
Enough said.

Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian. ~ Herman Melville ~

PRINCE CHARMING???

Prince Charming walks into a tavern appearing downtrodden. Immediately, the bartender turns to him and asks why he's so glum.

"You wouldn't believe it," he replies. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when, suddenly I approached Snow White fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her tells me that she ate a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips. I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give her a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods when suddenly, she screams out, 'Ah yes!'"

"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replies. "Then she's alive!"

Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming says, "Nah. She faked it."

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. Everything the girl touched, would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc. Everything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.

One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured." The king was overjoyed.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that can bring his daughter an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest object, and therefore will not melt. But, alas, once the princess touched it, it melted! The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a very hard alloy, but the same thing happened ... so he too went away.

The third prince told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel it."

The princess did as told, though turning red. TA DA! It did not melt!!!!! The king was overjoyed! And, the third prince lived happily with the princess ever after ...

Question: What was the object?

Answer: M&Ms Chocolate, melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.

SNOW WHITE

Miss Snow White was a randy cow
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a f*cking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his f*ckin load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left,
She turned and said, "You're next, I want your knob!"
But not sooner had he entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
   
  "Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White them whimpered.?
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf " DOC ."

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that spadge inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
When you next buy 7-Up!

A few years ago, Charlie brown and the "PEANUTS" gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, "WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?"

Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets, which feature the "PEANUTS" gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability.

Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some "PEANUTS" specials for the kids of the 90's?

• We could learn about V.D. in, "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN."

• Chuck and the little redheaded girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in, "IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

• Is Linus gay? Find out in, "IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN."

• Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, "YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN!"

• See how the "PEANUTS" gang deals with date rape in, "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

• Discover a father's forbidden love in, "IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN."

• Franklin speaks! The "PEANUTS" gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN!"

• What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, "Mr. Clean" in, "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN."

• Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in, "GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN!"

The world is a great ocean, upon which we encounter more tempestuous storms than calms. ~ Edgar Allan Poe ~

BEAUTY CONTEST?

Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were talking over a picnic lunch.

Hercules said, "You know, everyone says I am the strongest mortal on the earth, but I do not know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said, "You are right! Everyone says I am the fairest, but how can I be sure?"

Quasimodo agreed. "Yeah, and I am supposed to be the ugliest!"

Suddenly, Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I have got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth." Hercules said, "Great. Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

Quasimodo got up to leave and said, "See you tomorrow. Boy, I am going to find out for certain that I am the ugliest."

The next day they met at a restaurant in town.

Hercules said, "I talked to God, and He said that am truly the strongest."

Snow White said, "So did I, and I am truly the fairest.

Quasimodo had his head down, leaning on the table and said, "I am bummed...who is Linda Tripp?"

The Truth is Finally Known!"

1. Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2. Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway): CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3. Extract all Roman Numerals: C V V L D I V
4. Convert into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5. Add all the numbers: 666

Thus, Barney is Satan.

And you were wondering all these years, weren't you?