CLINTON & LEWINSKI

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** Warning: The following song is not politically correct.

Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill
Da poor President couldn't keep his "willie" still
But den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.
   
Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Her mouth wide open and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "Oh yeah, mama, now just don't say a thing,"
"If you do a real good job then we'll have a little fling."

B.J., that is. Phalli osculation. Stars and Stripes Forever.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. Air Force One.

So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Tape recorder. Fine clothes.

Well it didn't take too long until we all knew the score,
'bout all da stuff dat went down dere behind da oval door,
Now da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More!"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, we gotta live with Gore.

Boob, that is. Tennessee Al. Mister Tipster.

So now ya know da story 'bouta Bill our President,
Still wonderin' if dis fling is gonna cost him every cent.
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And only show your Air Force One within your family.

Harvey had little between the ears but lots between the legs.

Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life. But a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. ~ Al Bundy ~

CLOSING ARGUMENTS

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States Vs Bill Clinton:

1. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess.

2. The economy's great, let the white boy skate.

3. If the bitch didn't spit, you must aquit.

4. If she is not spread eagle, then it's not illegal.

5. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore.

6. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses.

7. He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life.

8. Bill won't tell the truth til he sees Ken Starr's proof.

9. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy.

10. If the sex is just oral, it's not really immoral.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to Hell and is greeted personally by Lucifer.

"Welcome Bill. Seeing as you were such an important person while you were alive, I will give you a choice as to how you want to spend the rest of eternity. Now follow me please..."

The Devil opens a door and Bill looks in. Newt Gingrich is hanging upside down and screaming over a roaring inferno. "No way!" says Bill and they close the door and move on.

In the next chamber Al Gore is chained to the wall and being tortured by devils with barbed whips and other unspeakable instruments. "Tough break, Al" says Bill and turns to the Devil. "Are they all like this?."

The Devil says, " There is one more chamber for you to look at. Decide for yourself." He opens the door to the last chamber. Bill looks in and sees Kenneth Starr chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blow-job.

As Bill can't see any obvious torture involved he asks the Devil, "And this is for eternity, right?".

"Correct."

"OK, I'll take this one."

"Very well" says the Devil. " So be it. Monica you can stop now. Your replacement is here"

Lead me not into temptation, I can find my own way.

HOW MUCH?

Bill Clinton walks into a whorehouse looking for some fun. He sees three women that he really wants to screw, but can't decide which one to do first. He approaches the first lady and says, "Hi. I'm Bill Clinton. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She says, "Oh, the president! For you, two hundred and fifty dollars." Clinton appraoches the second lady and asks the same thing. She says one twenty five.

Clinton approaches the third girl and asks the same question. She says ,"Well, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get your dick as hard as the times, keep it as high as the meat and gas prices, and screw me the way you do the public, it wouldn't cost you a goddamn cent!"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.

"I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton"

"As you see yourself, I once saw myself; as you see me now, you will be seen." ~ Mexican Proverb ~

TOP TEN HILLIARY CLINTON CAMPAIGN SLOGANS

1. "Read My Lips - No New Interns"

2. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"

3. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?"

4. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"

5. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"

6. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"

7. "Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!"

8. "From Perjury To Albany"

9. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It"

10. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"

1. I Suck At My Job

2. What Really Goes Down In The White House

3. How I Blew It In Washington

4. Testing The limits of the Gag Rule

5. Going Back for Gore

6. Going Down and Moving Up

7. Sercret Services To The President

8. Deep Inside the Oval Office

9. How To Beat Off the Government

10. Me and My Big Mouth