COMPUTERS

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DAN QUAYLE VIRUS

Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -once if by LAN, twice if by C:\

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

THE LIBERAL VIRUS
Before deleting all your files, this virus tells you: "That you don't need them anyway and they wouldn't want to be burdened with such overwhelming responsibilities as file maintenance."

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

SEARS VIRUS
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

A beauty is a woman you notice; A charmer is one who notices you. ~ Adlai Stevenson ~

INTERNET EUPHEMISMS FOR DEATH

• Clicked the bucket
• www.he's-dead,-jim.com
• Invested in Pointcast
• Visiting the Chat Tomb
• No longer able to view the web's hottest women
• </life>
• Opened "GOOD TIMES!"
• Transferred to WWW.HasBecome.Com/post
• 404ever, Pulse Not Found
• Installed the Kevorkian Plug-n-Play
• www.MyFirstCoronary.com
• Assigned to the Hale Bopp Project
• It Doesn't Matter Whether You've Got Mail

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida."

The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

"You can be upset because rosebushes have thorns Or you can rejoice because thornbushes have roses."

OK

Your mouse has moved.

Windows must now be rebooted
for the changes to take affect.

Click OK to continue.
[ OK ]

Our Hard Drive Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean, Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI, And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,
Amen.

As a man, I agree that neckties are silly. But at least they don't cause physical injury like high-heel shoes do.

HARD DAY AT WORK

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

The following is a status report from a business unit to their Y2K coordinator.

"Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.

We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

and...:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."