DAFFYNITIONS

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• A PROGRAM: Any assignment that can't be completed by one phone call.
• EXPEDITE: To compound confusion with commotion.
• CHANNELS: The trails left by inter-office memos.
• COORDINATORS: The guy who has a desk between two expeditors.
• TO ACTIVATE: To make more carbons and add more names to the mailing list.
• TO IMPLEMENT A PROGRAM: Hire more people and expand the office.
• UNDER CONSIDERATION: We're trying to find it in the files.
• RE-ORIENTATION: Getting used to work again.
• RELIABLE SOURCE: The guy you just met.
• INFORMED SOURCE: The guy who told the guy you just met.
• UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE: The guy that started the rumor in the first place.
• WE ARE MAKING A SURVEY: We need more time to think up an answer.
• TO NOTE AND INITIAL: To spread the responsibility for this.
• LETS DISCUSS THE MATTER: Come to my office, I'm lonely.
• LET'S GET TOGETHER ON THE MATTER: I'm assuming you're as confused as I am.
• WE WILL ADVISE YOU IN DUE COURSE: If we figure it out, we'' let you know.
• IT IS IN PROGRESS: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
• GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING: We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't conflict with what we have decided to do.
• A CONFERENCE: A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and loneliest of thought so the members can get more per-meeting pay.
• WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: By the time the wheel makes a full turn, We will assume you will forget about it also.
• A CLARIFICATION: To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.
• A MEETING: A mass mulling by master-minds where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
• TO NEGOTIATE: To seek a meeting of the minds without the knocking together of heads.
• CONSULTANT (or expert): Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or office.

"We have to cut on expenses, no matter how much it costs."

TRANSLATING MANAGEMENT SPEAK

A Husband is a man who:

• gave up privileges he never knew he had.
• is spouse-broken.
• lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness.
• made a wrong turn in lovers' lane.

A Wife is a woman who:

• can dish it out but can't cook it.
• dresses to kill and cooks the same way.
• has a made-up face, serves heated-up dinners, charges-up bills, and has a fed-up husband.
• is a dish-jockey.
• is a husband's bitter half.
• sticks with her husband through all the troubles he would never have had if he hadn't married her in the first place.

"It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits, but I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." ~ Hank Aaron ~

DEFINITIONS BY GENDER

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:
I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

"How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now." ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower ~

A LIST OF WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST BUT SHOULD

ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

BEELZEBUG (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

BOZONE (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

CASHTRATION (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

CATERPALLOR (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

DECAFLON (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

DOPELAR EFFECT (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

EXTRATERRESTAURANT (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an ET-ry.

FOREPLOY (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

GRANTARTICA (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

HEMAGLOBE (n.) The bloody state of the world.

INTAXICATION (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

KINSTIRPATION (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

LULLABUOY (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Degrees (Fahrenheit):

65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40 You can see your breath; Californians shiver uncontrollably and Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars don't start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

25 Ohio water freezes; Californians weep pitiably; Minnesotans eat ice cream and Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless; New York City water freezes and Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars don't start and Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

-5 American cars don't start and Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 German cars don't start and Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo; Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects and Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you; Politicians actually do something about the homeless; Minnesotans shovel snow off roof and Japanese cars don't start

-25 Too cold to think and You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath and Swedish cars don't start

-40 Californians disappear; Minnesotans button top button; Canadians put on sweaters and Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes and Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 Hell freezes over; Polar bears move South and Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.