DATING

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A young couple were out on a date, attending a concert. The auditorium was pitch dark and as lovers will, they began to fondle one each other.

After awhile she felt something wet and sticky and realized the boy had come in her hand. She panicked for a moment and then, figuring it was too dark for anyone to see what she was doing, flung the stuff as far in front of her as she could.

It hit the second violinist on the shoulder. He felt something hit him and, trying to get it off, realized what it was.

"Hey," he whispered to the first violinist, "someone just threw me a fuck".

" I'm not surprised," snarled the first violinist, "You've been playing like a cunt all night".

The heart has its reasons, whereof reason knows nothing. ~ Pascal ~

CHANGE OF PACE

There's these three guys, best friends since childhood... One of them is dating an absolutely stunning babe, and is always bragging to his buddies about the sex they have. Then one day, for who knows what reason, the guy decides that he's getting tired of the lovely lady, he needs some new thrills in his life, and pulls a complete 180, declaring he's gay.

"Damn," his friends say, "you know that you're probably going to get AIDS and die!"

Hey, I'll take my chances," he says. "I just needed some kind of change, and wow, did I find it!"

Well, to make a long story short, in a couple years he indeed contracts AIDS, and is told he only has a few months left. As he's lying on his death-bed, he calls his old friends together one last time.

"Guys," he gasps, "you've got to promise me one last thing."

"Sure," say his mates. "What can we do for you?"

"When I'm dead and buried, will you make sure I have the nicest tombstone you can find?" he asks. "And will you make sure something's written on it that everyone will remember me for?"

They promise him, and with one final gasp dies... But remembering their promise, his friends found a beautiful granite stone, and had it engraved:

Ashes To Ashes,
Dust To Dust,
If You'd Stuck To Pussy,
You'd Still Be With Us.

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and stomped home.

That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car and stomped home.

That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late.

That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? ~ Lily Tomlin ~

TIGHT, HUH?

Guy and girl in back of van going at it...

Girl says "put a finger in me" So he does.

Then she says "put another finger in me" and he does.

"Put ANOTHER finger in me" and again he does.

"Put your whole HAND in me" and he does...

"Put your other hand in me" and again he obeys.

"Now clap!"

At this point he replies "I can't!"

"Tight huh?

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

All fame is dangerous: Good, bringeth Envy; Bad, Shame. ~ Thomas Fuller ~

MOOOOON RIVER

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of their small town and start necking. After awhile the guy abruptly stops. "You know we've been doing this for weeks now and I think it's time we had intercourse," he pleads.

"Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides, all those people in the field may hear us."

The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing!"

The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later, people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing. "Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon River .......!"

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."