DIETARY

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THE BACHELOR DIET

MONDAY
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox.
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

TUESDAY
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw.
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

WEDNESDAY
Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho's.
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke.
Dinner - Drop in at a married friend's house and beg for scraps.

THURSDAY
Breakfast - Order out for pizza.
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

FRIDAY
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder.
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

SATURDAY
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto.
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

SUNDAY
Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

I consider promiscuity immoral. Not because sex is evil, but because sex is too good and too important. ~ Ayn Rand ~

TRUCKER MEAL

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.

The problem is this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn !"

Sex, which ought to be an incident of life, is the obsession of the well-fed world. ~ Rebecca West ~

BETTER OFF DEAD

While hiking in the countryside, my friend Ev and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sauteed them that night. My husband Dick refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous.

Two weeks later, Ev and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Dick joined us.

"How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago?"

"I thought about it," Dick explained seriously, "and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in our home."

Two cannibals agreed to share a lone missionary.

Cannibal number one said, "You start at his feet and I'll start at his head."

After a little while cannibal number one asks, "How are you doing?"

Cannibal number two replies, "I'm having a ball."

Cannibal number one yells, "You're eating too fast!"

Jealousy and love are sisters. ~ Russian proverb ~

MORE BREAD

An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old gent replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!"

Dear Diary,

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday:
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Monday:
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "Mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk.

Good night Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.