DOG DAYS

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If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, 
   through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against 
   creed, color, religion or politics,
If you can give love unconditionally without pressure or expectation,

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog or cat.

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's party than being there.

CATS VS. DOGS

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.... I must be a God!

LEASH:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED:
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.

GARBAGE CAN:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BUMP:
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP:
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.

NY Democrats are handing out bumper stickers saying "Run, Hillary, Run!" NY Republicans are putting them on their FRONT bumpers.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is just for a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs love red meat.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine your relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
• Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
• If a dog gets old and starts to snap at you constantly, you can shoot it.
• Dogs like beer.
• Dogs don't hate their bodies.
• Dogs never buy Kenny G or Michael Bolton albums.
• Dogs never put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
• Dogs never criticize.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs never expect gifts.
• It is legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
• Dogs don't worry about germs.
• Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside, not in your wallet, your pockets, or your sock drawer.
• Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
• A dog would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
• You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
• Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
• Dogs never want foot-rubs.
• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
• Dogs can't talk.
• Dogs aren't catty.
• Dogs seldom outlive you.

A truck driver came into a vet's surgery waiting room carrying his rottweiler dog. He approached the vet and said, "Doc, I think my dog's crosseyed. Can you check him out?"

"Sure," replied the vet and the man dumped the rather large dog into the vet's arms.

The vet stared into the dog's eyes for a few seconds and said, "I'm sorry, but I think I'm going to have to put him down."

"Put him down?" squawked the man. "Is it because he's cross eyed that you have to put him down?"

"No," replied the vet, "it's because he's getting really heavy."

Minds at rest, rust.

RULES FOR DOGS WITH YARDS TO PROTECT

If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...

Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

• Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
• Dogs miss you when you're gone.
• Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
• Dogs admit when they're jealous.
• Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
• Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they never laugh At how you throw.)
• You can train a dog.
• Dogs are easy to buy for.
• The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
• (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
• Dogs understand what "no" means.
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you.