ON THE FARM

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Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chis the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor, and soon, or I'll lose that dealership forever."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this:

"I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That old cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes started slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work.

"I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that didn't piss me off! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.

"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied Bessy's left leg to the side of the stall."

Just then John paused to take sip his beer.

Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"

"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from you!"

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

PA WON'T LIKE IT

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

A young man was hitchhiking through one of the southern states. A farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift. As they rode along, they got to talking about the local moonshine whiskey. The young man said he didn't drink very much. Moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes.

"Nonsense!" said the farmer. "You gotta try some." He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. "Here," he said, handing the jar to the lad. "Take a drink!"

"Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "I really don't think I care for any." "No, I insist," pressed the farmer. "Have some." "No, thanks--really," said the young man.

The farmer wasn't going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, "I said, take a drink!"

"Okay! Okay!" said the young man. "I've changed my mind! I guess I will have some after all." The young man took a few swallows before he realized how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound.

"What do you think of it?" asked the farmer. "Good, ain't it?" "Yeah," gasped the lad, "I guess so."

Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. "Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me take a drink!"

Like all people who have nothing, I lived on dreams. ~ Anzia Yezierska ~

NO LOOK GOOD

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn: "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine looking stallion.

"Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale."

Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."

"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"

"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. "That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.

"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Friends, you and me... you brought another friend and then there were 3. We started our group, our circle of friends... and like that circle, there is no beginning or end.

STIFF NECK

One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his fancy, imported sports car, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the middle of farm country.

After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.

"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"

"Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt."

"Got back to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board."

"Now... this here's mah wife's idea."

A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what my father charges for Elmer."