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THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE     DRINK

17   Wine Coolers
25   White wine
35   Red wine
48   Dom Perignon
66   Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

 FAVORITE SPORT

17   shopping
25   shopping
35   shopping
48   shopping
66   shopping

 EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17   Need to wash my hair
25   Need to wash and condition my hair
35   Need to color my hair
48   Need to have Francois color my hair
66   Need to have Francois color my wig

 DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17   "Burger King"
25   "Free meal"
35   "A diamond"
48   "A bigger diamond"
66   "Home Alone"

 FAVORITE FANTASY

17   tall, dark and handsome
25   tall, dark and handsome with money
35   tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48   a man with hair
66   a man

 HOUSE PET

17   Muffy the cat
25   Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35   Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48   Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66   Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

 IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17   17
25   25
35   35
48   48
66   66

 IDEAL DATE

17   He offers to pay
25   He pays
35   He cooks breakfast the next morning
48   He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66   He can chew breakfast

The most beautiful discovery true friends can make is that they can grow seperately without growing apart.

STAGES A WOMAN GOES THROUGH

Age 8: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty etc.

Age 15: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees Fat/Pimples/UGLY ("Mom I can't go to school looking like this!")

Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly - but decides she's going anyway.

Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.

Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly - but says "At least I'm clean" and goes anyway.

Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.

Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to participate in the world.

Age 90: Can't see and so doesn't worry about it!

Women of course are the absolute masters of fashion put-downs. At a cocktail party one woman said to another, "What a beautiful suit that is. I like it better every time I see it on you."

The other, fingering the material of her rival's sleeve said "And such lovely cloth, you really should have it made into something."

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. ~ G. K. Chesterton ~

BIG FEET = BIG?

Two ladies sat drinking coffee and having a chat. Out of the blue, One said to the other, "I wonder if it's true that men with big feet are well hung?"

The second lady laughed and said, "Well, if my last lover is anything to go by, the answer is no, definitely not! He wore a size 13 DD shoe, and even the dog pissed himself laughing when he saw him naked!"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're counting down the days until menopause.
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends--tell me where to get more wax.

BETTER

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said her maid. "The chauffeur told me that!"

Elsa had a new neighbor with whom she became quite friendly. In a discussion over coffee, the neighbor told Elsa how much she admired her husband's piety. "I watch him every morning when he gets in your car to drive to the office," the neighbor said. "He's so pious and starts his day with a blessing."

"Thank you so much," Elsa said to her neighbor, "but you got it all wrong. What my husband does, when he gets in the car, is not a blessing, but a check to see that he's got his glasses, his cigarettes, and that he's zipped."