GUYS

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A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride.

So I say,' sure, why not?'

He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey. We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!! I just know we're gonna die!! So I turn to him and say ..."Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!!" "DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!" .....(SPIT)

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing, that's why we recommend it daily." ~ Zig Ziglar ~

STILL

This guy asks his friend, 'If they were to drop a bomb right now what would be the first thing you would do?'

Second guy says, 'I would screw the first thing that moved, what would you do?'

The first guy says, 'I would stand very still for half an hour.'

Vacation was over and all reported to the building site for work.

Mick the Irish labourer was dressed in designer shirt, white jeans & trainers.

"You're here to work Mick, whats with all these fancy clothes?" roared the foreman.

"Well you see its like this John, I can't stop winning bets and this is my oldest gear. For instance I'll bet your dick turns green before half past eight!"

The foreman glared, "How can you be so crazy?"

"150 dollars says I'm right," retorted Mick.

"If you want to throw money around, you're on!"

Eight twenty five arrived. "Come on John get your dick out"

Hesitantly out came the pecker, "What did I tell you? Its baby pink. That's one bet you didn't win Mick!"

"Put it on this plate -just to let me check the colour."

"Right enough you've won the 150 bucks but these twenty brickies on that scaffold lost their 100 bucks each for betting I couldn't have your dick on a plate before 8:30"

"A positive attitude won't let you do anything. But it will let you do everything better than a negative attitude will." ~ Zig Ziglar ~

CHARADES

There were two guys that played charades every week, betting big money. Tom always seemed to win, and Joe always lost. Joe planned and planned, and came up with what he thought was the perfect way to win back his money.

The day came to bet, and Joe brought in seven naked women. He placed them so that the first one had her back to Tom, the second was facing him, the third with her back to him, the fourth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him.

"Ah, that's easy--the William Tell Overture," responded Tom.

"How did you guess?" asked Joe.

"Rump titty rump titty rump rump rump!"

I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife.

He drank some, then said, "Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife just doesn't understand me at all, does yours?"

I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her mentioning your name at all."

"Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?"

DOING IT DOGGY STYLE

Two guys are walking down the street and see two dogs going at it in someone's front yard.

The first man say's, "I always wanted to do dog style like that, but my wife would never go for it."

The second man replied, "Why, that shouldn't be a problem. Just loosen her up with a few beers first."

When they met the second day, the second man asked, "Well, how'd it go?"

"Lousy," replied the friend. It took me a twelve pack just to get her on her knees in the front yard."

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death, we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"