HOOKERS

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John goes into a whorehouse to satiate his sexual urges. He asks the Madame if she has any girls that need a "REAL man." The Madam laughs, and directs him down the hall to room 119.

John walks in and sees a halfway decent looking whore naked and waiting for him. He takes off his pants and his two-foot cock rolls out.

The whore is shocked. She says, "BULLSHIT! You're not putting that thing in ME! I'll just KISS it!"

He starts to get dressed and walk out and says, "Fuck THAT you lazy whore! I can do that shit MYSELF!"

Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.

AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN

After working for years, a hooker finally retired. Being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided she wanted to get married. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.

When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off at work and the children were in school. After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting to hear it speak, but unfortunately they were quite expensive.

One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully colored parrot and asked the owner of the store for the price of the bird. The owner said he let it go for $50. Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

Before accepting her money, the owner said, "I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff." The woman was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she decided to buy it anyway.

When she got home she placed the bird's cage in her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird studied his new surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a little taken at the implication of what she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn't really all that bad.

When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird Looked them over and said,"New house, new madam, new whores!" After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined their mother in laughter.

Shortly after 5PM the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, same old faces. Hi Sam!"

"Those who expect nothing shall never be disappointed." ~ unknown ~

HOSE

Newly arrived in Beverly Hills from Mississippi, Rufus got a job as a gardner. At the end of his first day on the job, he knocked on the door and his boss, Mr. Mayer, answered.

"Mister Mayer, sir, do you know where I kin find me sum hose?"

Mayer shrugged, "We keep it in the garage, of course."

"Ah," Rufus sighed. "Thas Bev'ly Hills for ya. In Mississippi, ah hadda go all the way to the street co'nuh."

Jon, a somewhat simple minded young fella, decided to let himself be pampered and went into a brothel. Explaining his desire to the madam, she answered him, "Sure we can pamper you enough, but as to how much is dependent onto how much money you have with you."

Looking into his wallet Jon stated, "Well all I have is $10."

Laughing, the madam exclaimed, "Well for ten dollars you can go outside around back and play with yourself."

Looking a bit depressed, and obviously let down having expected more, Jon went outside. After a few minutes, he returned.

A bit irritated, the madam of the house asked him, "What are you doing back here?!"

Jon said, "I'm finished and would like to pay."

Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can't live without.

BACK IN MY DAY

Three hookers of varying ages were standing around, discussing their profession.

The middle aged one said: "So, how's business?"

"Awful!" replied the young one. "All anybody wants is blow jobs!"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the mid-lifer. "It's easy work, a quick turn over, and you can make more money that way."

"That's just the problem," exclaimed the young lady, "I can't get more than $20.00 for a blow job! How can I make any money that way?"

"Oh," she replied, shrugging, "that's nothing. When I started working, we only got $10.00 for a blow job!"

At this point the old hooker chimed in. "You kids have it so easy! Why, back in my day, we had to give blow jobs for free! And we were glad to get something warm in our bellies, too!"

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."