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A Canadian, a Russian and an American all wanted to show off to each other so they each bought a toilet.

The Russian bought a wooden toilet, the Canadian bought a marble toilet, and the American bought a musical toilet.

The next day the Canadian came back to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I use the toilet, I slip off it."

The day after that the Russian came to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit on the toilet I get splinters in my bottom."

The next day, the American came and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit down, I hear my national anthem and I have to stand up."

If you wish to reach the highest, begin at the lowest. ~ Publilus Syrus ~

DEATH OR ROO ROO?

Three guys go to Africa on a vacation. While there they fool around, get lost, and are captured by a tribe of bad asses natives. They are taken into the deepest, darkest part of the jungle and tied onto poles in an opening.

After night had fallen and a huge bonfire was blazing, all the tribe members assembled and began chanting and making merry in anticipation of a great evenings fun at the expense of our three vacationers.

Suddenly, a hush falls over the crowd - the Chief had arrived! He goes over to the first guy tied to a pole and asks, "DEATH, or Roo Roo". The guy, not knowing what it is, answers that he'll take the Roo Roo. the crowd breaks into an uproar!! Eight of the biggest, strongest and most virulent savages step out of the crowd, take the guy loose from his pole, bend him over a log and sodomize him for 30 minutes. The crowd is elated!

The King walks over to the second guy, and asks "DEATH or Roo Roo"? The second guy looks at the first guy, still gasping for breath and writhing on the ground, and swallows hard. He thinks to himself, "I don't know if I can take that or not, but I'm too young to die". He also chooses Roo Roo! Again, the crowd erupts in glee. Eight more savages emerge from the crowd, take the second guy off his pole, and sodomize him for 45 minutes!!

The third guy is in a real sweat!! The king approaches him and asks "DEATH or Roo Roo?" The third guy looks over at the first two guys. It is not a pretty sight. He swallows hard and answers "DEATH!" The Chief is astounded! With a very puzzled look he replies, "OK, DEATH! DEATH BY ROO ROO!"

An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, and the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon.

"You'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we've copied your country's legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."

When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.

After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What was the purpose of having a seminude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"

"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery."

It is not of importance where we stand, but in what direction we are moving.

SMUGGLING

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "SAND!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects...only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated....

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine."

Same results...nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of know you were smuggling something. I won't say anything. What were you smuggling?"

The fellow says, "Bicycles."

Having traveled south of the border for shopping, I have seen many people return to the United States with us. I've seen a few strange sights but one is rather remarkable. It happened a few months ago on our last shopping trip. As we stood in line we saw the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Here's what happened:

The Taco Bell Chihuahua and a few of his canine stars took a trip to Tijuana. They went to a doggy bar and got a bit drunk. As they crossed back into the United States, the border guard stopped them.

"Nationality" he said to Lassie.

"Aamerrricannn" slurred Lassie.

The border guard waved Lassie through.

The guard asked each of the other three Hollywood dog stars the same question and waved them each through. When it was time for the Taco Bell Chihuahua to pass, our little star showed the guard his green card while wobbling from side to side. The guard studied it carefully and asked some questions of the tipsy star. The border guard was still suspicious so he said, "I'll let you pass if you can use three words in a sentence."

"No problem, senor," our little star replied.

"Okay, use green, pink, and yellow in a sentence".

The Chihuahua thought for a moment then said, "the phone, it goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow!"

Until you value yourself, you will not value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. ~ M. Scott Peck ~

AFRICAN ROULETTE

Once there was a Russian who had a pen-pal who lived in Africa. They had written each other letters for about 2 years, when the African sent a letter to his Russian friend announcing his plans to come to Russia and visit him. The Russian, who always wanted to meet his African friend, prepared a tour for his friend. After meeting him at the airport, the Russian took the African on a tour of Moscow. When they approached Red Square, the African saw a circle of men standing around passing something around, and asked, "What's going on down there?".

The Russian said, "That's our national game of Russian Roulette".

The African asked, "How is it played?"

The Russian said, "Well, let's go watch them..."

They went down and watched as each Russian in turn took a six- shooter from his neighbour, spun the cylinder, placed the muzzle to his head, and pulled the trigger.

The African said, "What's the game about?"

The Russian explained, "One of the chambers is loaded. If you land on the loaded chamber, you are dead."

The African says, "Interesting.... Simple, yet elegant. I like it..."

As the African was about to leave for home, they made plans for the Russian to visit his African friend in his home village.

Remember that neat game you showed me called Russian Roulette? We have invented our own version, called African Roulette..."

The Russian asked, "How is it different?

The African says, "Well, let's go watch and I'll show you."

They go to the centre of the village and find the following scene:

In the center of the village, there are 20 naked men walking around a circle. Inside the circle, there are 20 naked women. An old man to the side is beating on a drum.

The Russian says, "OK, what's going to happen now?"

The African replies, "See the man with the drum? When he quits beating it, each man gets a blowjob from the woman in front of him..."

The Russian says, "Where's the fun of that?!?

The African replies slyly, "One of the girls is a Cannibal!!!

The Russian couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sex manual.

"Honey, I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?" She agreed.

An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see the flavours they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana........"

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna," she replied.