LITTLE JOHNNY'S ADVENTURES

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Johnny's class is on a field trip to the farm.

The teacher asks, "Can anyone tell the class what that is?" (pointing)

Mary replies, "That is a sheep, it has wool."

Teacher, "Very good, Mary. Now who knows what that is?" (points)

Freddie, "That's a cow, it has milk."

This repeats for all the animals and most of the implements of the farm. Finally teacher points at an object on the barn roof, "And who knows what that is?"

Johnny, "That's a weathercock, it tells the wind direction."

Teacher, "And why is it called a weathercock?"

Johnny, " 'Cause if it was a weathercunt, the wind would blow through it and nobody'd know shit."

The basic and essential human is the woman. ~ Orson Welles ~

IS YOUR MOTHER HOME

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain."

The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back, "Johnny?"

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."

"Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run." ~ Rudyard Kipling ~

PULLING OUT

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'

"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No", said his Mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's Okay, we can play that game again!."

"In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time." ~ Anthony J. D'Angelo ~

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Little Johnny was in the bank with his Father one day. They were standing in line, behind a rather large woman.

Johnny said out loud, "Dad, look how fat she is!"

His Father, embarassed by this, said it was not polite to talk about people like that.

A few minutes later, the womans pager went off and Johnny shouted, "LOOK OUT DAD! SHE'S BACKING UP"

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son and anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."