KIDS

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A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little boy! What are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister", says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

"Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." ~ Woody Allen ~

SHORTENING

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?"

The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard."

Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made with no results. The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I rub it down with Crisco."

The other boy exclaimed "Well, no wonder, that's shortening."

 
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

A long haul truck driver decided to give his 5 year old son a semitruck pedal car for his birthday. When the little boy sees it, his eyes lit up and off he went pedaling down the side walk.

He passed a little girl standing there and stopped, backed up and ask her if she wanted a ride. She accepted and hopped into the pedal truck. A little way down the side walk the little girl informed his she had to go pee.

He pulls his truck over and she hops out. Once finished she hops back into the truck and he again begin to pedal down the side walk. He looks over at her and says, "I saw you when you pulled your panties down."

She looks at him and says, "Want to see it again"?

He smiles really big and says, "YEAH."

She pulls her dress up and then pulls the panties down, while he is driving he looks over at her and smiles, then she says, "You want to lick it?"

He pulls over really quick and says, "Heck NO, I am not a real truck driver."

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

ONE POINT OF VIEW

One day...a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were. They stayed one day and one night in the farm of a very humble farm house. At the end of the trip and back home the father asked the son:

What did you think of the trip?

The son replied: Very nice Dad

Father: Did you noticed how poor they were?

Son: Yes Father.

Father: What did you learn?

Son: I learned that we have one dog in the house...and they have four. We have a fountain in the garden and they have a stream that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. Our garden goes to the edge of our property, they have the entire horizon as their back yard.

At the end of the son's reply the father was speechless and his son added: "Thank you dad for showing me how poor we really are."

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." - H. G. Wells

CANNOT LIE

The Indian chief says to his son, "Son, you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"

His son says, "No, me no push-um outhouse off-um cliff."

The chief says, "Son, me tell-um you story of Great White Father, George Washington. Many moons ago, when Great White Father was young boy, him chop-um down cherry tree. Him father ask-um, 'Georgie, you chop-um down cherry tree?' George say-um, 'Cannot tell-um lie, Father. Me chop-um down cherry tree.' Him father say, 'Georgie bad, but Georgie honest, so you no get-um punishment.'

Now I ask-um you again... you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"

His son says, "Yes, Father, me push-um outhouse off-um cliff."

The Chief proceeds to give-um big wuping to his son.

The son says, "Father, Great White Father tell truth and get-um off scott-free. I tell-um truth... why you give-um me big wuping?"

The Chief says, "Georgie's father not sit-um in cherry tree."

If of fortune thou are bereft
And of thy store Two loaves are left
Sell one and with the dole 
Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul.

A young boy is taking a walk in the woods and he walks by a lake. The boy looked in the water and saw a naked girl swimming. She called to him to come on in. He ran away from there as fast as he could.

Later the boy returned and the girl asked him why he had run away. The boy replied, "Mom told me that if I look at a naked girl, I will turn into stone. My dick had already become as hard as a rock!!