LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO

Page 1     Page 2     Page 3     Page 4     Page 5

What's new

powered by FreeFind

Site map

It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting theirs lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat.

Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to poop on. (Those nasty birds!) The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys.

Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three. The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn't seem all that bad.

Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested on a tree branch.

So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, "We are impressed! Where do you learn to poop on people like that?"

The little one said, "I may be a new hatch but I've got plenty of experience. In my former life I was a lawyer."

Get down from there. The neighbors are looking.

Pessimism kills the instinct that urges men to struggle against poverty, ignorance and crime, and dries up all the fountains of joy in the world. ~ Helen Keller ~

TASTE TEST

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others, he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said that it didn't.

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"

"The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible." ~ Arthur C. Clarke ~

NAME THAT VICTIM

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it like new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks. ~ Daniel Boone ~

Find the faces.

DIVORCE???

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven. "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay there and I will be right back.'

Six months passed and finally Peter returned. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple replied, "Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we could be divorced if the marriage doesn't work out?"

To this St Peter answered, "It took me six months to find a priest up here... how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer!"

A man walks into the lawyer's office and asks, "How much would it cost me to ask you three questions?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says "$100,000."

The man gasps and, taken a bit aback, says, "Don't you think that's a bit much for just three questions?"

The lawyer thinks again for a moment and says, "No I don't, what's your third question."