LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO #4

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A guy is put before the judges bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex.

"How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.

"Not Guilty, your honour."

Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"

"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime, gambling."

"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?"

"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'. That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"

The certain proof that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that no one has bothered to make contact with us.

FORGIVE

A driver, parked in an illegal zone, tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile.

"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

• What do lawyers use for birth control?
• Their personalities.
• What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
• A tick falls off of you when you die.
• What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
• Not enough sand.
• What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
• There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
• What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
• A Doberman.
• Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
• If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
• What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
• One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
• Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
• They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
• Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
• What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
• Lipstick.
• What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
• Skeet.
• What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
• Chelsea Clinton
• If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
• It might be your bicycle.

The greatest disease is not TB or leprosy; It is being unwanted, unloved and uncared for. ~ Mother Teresa ~

THE TRAFFIC TICKET

An attorney was driving through the country side when his car failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise it started and he headed for the nearest town for a permanent repair.

To celebrate his success he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window hoping the wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out. He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.

There's three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third veteran comes into the bar with the biggest shit eating grin on his face. The other two cops ask him, "Why are you so happy?"

He tells the other two cops, "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I hid my pistol cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to cum I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time."

The next night the the other veteran comes into the bar with a shit eating grin on his face and tells the other veteran, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incrediable sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to cum I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great"

The next night the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar pissed as hell kicking chairs as he made his way over to them. The rookie says, "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my dick and she shit in my face!"

If you wish to be big, don't belittle.

DRAKE'S LAWS OF LAW ENFORCEMENT

1. Bullet Proof vests aren't.
2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.
3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you ve been a cop.
4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
8. Flash hiders don't really.
9. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News.
13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
19. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is Boomer.
23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
24. If a large group of drunk bikers is holed-up in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker holed-up in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.

A trainee for the New York police force, was asked, "If your beat was a lonely path in Central Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what would you do?"

The cop-wanna-be replied without hesitation, "I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."