LIMERICKS (& other erotic poetry)

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GOOD SHIP VENUS 

 It was the good ship Venus, My God you should have seen us,
Our figure-head was a whore in bed, Our crest a rampant penis.

The Captain's name was Mugger, Upon that dirty lugger,
He wasn't fit to shovel shit, The fornicating bugger

The Captain's wife was Mabel, Each time that she was able,
She and the mate would fornicate, Upon the gallery table.

The first mate's name was Wiggun, By God, he had a big 'un,
We bashed his cock with a lump of rock, For friggin' in the riggin'.

The skipper's little daughter, She fell into the water,
Ecstatic squeals revealed that eels, Had found her sexual quarter

The stewardess was Dinah, She sprung a leak off China,
We had to pump poor Dinah's rump, To empty her vagina.

The cabin-boy's name was Ripper, A cunning little nipper,
He lined his arse with broken glass, And circumcised the skipper.
   
The ladies of the nation, Arose in indignation
And stuffed his bum with chewing gum - A smart retaliation!

The bosun's name was Andy, By God that man was randy,
We boiled his bum in red-hot rum, For coming in the brandy.

The third mate's name was Morgan, A homosexual gorgon,
A dozen crows in rows could pose, Upon his sexual organ.

The ship's dog's name was Rover, We fairly bowled him over,
And ground and ground that faithful hound, From Calais Roads to Dover.

On the trip to Buenos Aires, We rogered all the fairies,
We got the syph. at Teneriffe, And clap in the Canaries.

'Twas on the China station, At the Christmas celebration,
We sank a junk with a load of spunk, From mutual masturbation.

The cook's name was O'Malley, For him no shilly-shally,
He shot his bolt with such a jolt, He wrecked the bloody galley.

The captain was elated, The crew investigated,
They found some sand in his prostrate gland, And he had to be castrated.

 

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Insanity is defined as doing the same thing or going about the same way and expecting different results.

ALICE 

There once was a lady named Alice
Who used dynamite as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina.
The rest of her wound up in Dallas.

 
 
She opened up a book of poems, 
and handed it to me
It was written by an italian poet,
from the fifteenth century
And every one of them words rang true, 
and glowed like burning coal
Pouring off of every page 
like it was written in my soul.

BURDEW'S SCREW 

An old desert rat named Burdew
Came to town one day for a screw.
He threw down a quarter
And drawled out, "That orter
Cover a quick poke or two."

The madam looked very askance
At the grime on his shirt and his pants,
His scruffy gray beard,
The eyes that went weird,
And the odor that wasn't from France.

"Ol" fella," she said with a grin,
"For a quarter, I'll let you right in
To a room that's just ripe
For a man of your type
And a gal that's ideal for your sin."

The prospector's eyes went aglow
As the fire began burning below.
His hands started shaking
And his knees were aquaking.
It was plain he was rarin' to go.

So they led him out back of the place
To a shed with just enough space
For the fattest pink sow,
He'd seen anyhow
With a sorta' sweet smile on her face.

Burdew shoved everyone aside,
Slammed the door and was quickly astride
His porky delight
Where he spent the whole night
In a passionate piggyback ride!

At daybreak, Burdew poked his head
Out of the old, tumbledowned shed
With a satisfied sigh,
He said, "Miss Piggy and I
Will be having our breakfast in bed."

I never know how much of what I say is true.
~ Bette Midler ~

PAINTER TITIAN 

Painter Titian, while mixing Rose Madder
Spied his model on top of a ladder
Her position, to Titian
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.
The evolution of man is the evolution of his consciousness, and 'consciousness' cannot evolve unconsciously.The evolution of man is the evolution of his will, and 'will' cannot evolve involuntarily. The evolution of man is the evolution of his power of doing, and 'doing' cannot be the result of things which 'happen.'
~ Gurdjieff ~

CUNT HAIRS 

There was a young maid from Peru,
Who said, I've nothing to do.
So she sat on the stairs
and counted her hairs
Six thousand, four hundred and two...
Never chase a lie. Let it alone, and it will run itself to death.
~ Lyman Beecher ~

BAD TIMES 

Now my wife just left and the well went dry,
And my horse is sick and about to die.
Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
And the road washed out on the way to town.

Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
And they both died soon after that.
Now I lost my specs and my pipe stem broke,
So I can't even sit and read and smoke.

Then a tree fell on the chicken shed,
And most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
And this old shack is about to fall.

Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
And sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out
And my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.


And the bank foreclosed so I've lost my place,
And my cows disappeared without a trace.
They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
And I lost my job and a whole lot more.

I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
As things keep going from bad to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack;
To top off the worst - my wife's coming back!!
As a child, I was an imaginary playmate.
~ Tom Robbins ~

ROOM IN THE HOLE 

There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, 'You're a tight one'
She said, 'Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one.'

 

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