MARRIED LIFE

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One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!".

The question every woman's got to face one day - Spit or swallow...

You must learn how to make it on the broken pieces. ~ Louise Williams-Bishop ~

ONE FOR THE MONEY

"Four times!" exclaimed the first girl, "why so many?"

So the other girl said, "Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed."

"Oh my gosh, that's terrible", the first girl said.

"Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed."

"Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!"

"Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed."

"Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?"

"It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together."

"And what does your present husband do for a living?"

"He's a mortician."

"A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?"

"Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...

One for the money...
Two for the show...
Three to get ready...
And four to go!"

There was this beautiful girl who was very petite. She fell in love with and married a very strong muscular body builder who had an ego to match his size. After they had a wonderful time at their reception, they retired to the honeymoon suite. As they were getting ready for bed, her new husband threw his pants toward her.

"Put these on," he commanded.

She looked at him puzzled and proceded to do as he asked.

"These are much too big I could never wear these," she replied.

"That's right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and don't you ever forget it!"

Thinking quickly, she removed her tiny panties and tossed them to him.

"Put these on," she said.

Giving her a puzzled look, he picked them up and slipped them over one foot and up to his calf, but couldn't get them any higher.

"They're are too tight, I'll never get into these," he said.

"That's right," she replied, "And thats the way it's going to be till you change your damn attitude!!!"

Atheists are people who have no invisible means of support

NEST EGG

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want to go for a drive? Oh, well. Whatever. I guess you're crazier than me."

So off they go into town.

When they get there, the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts, so he mumbles something unheard, and drives to the next area of the city his wife tells him to, which just happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again, pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiable, so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "remember when we first got married, and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well I kept the money and invested it, and 20 years later, this is what's become of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money, I'd have given you all my business."

Man of the world and naive bride on wedding night. He displays his penis and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course, believes him!

He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks he returns to be questioned.

"Bruce" she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one too!"

"Well, err", Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine".

"Oh, why did you give him the best one?"

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that. ~ Tom Lehrer ~

GOOD EATING

A woman walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a tattoo inside of her right thigh.

The proprietor asked her what picture she wanted, and she replied, "A turkey."

He thought that over for a second ask then asked, "A turkey? Whatever you say."

So he gave her the tattoo of a turkey.

About a month later she showed up again asking for a tattoo of Santa Claus on the inside of her left thigh.

Once again he looked at her like she was crazy, but did as she wished.

While she was paying for the second tattoo he couldn't help but look up and ask, "Miss, just out of curiosity, why did you make the choices you did?"

Her reply: "My husband says he only gets good eating between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

The boss was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them. They left the office for her place and made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, and woke up hours later, at about 8 p.m.

As the boss threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Though mystified by his unusual request, she complied nonetheless.

Then, the boss quickly slipped into his shoes and raced home.

"Where have you been!" demanded the boss's wife when he finally entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and I woke up just minutes ago. I raced home as quick as I could."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Don't lie to me, you bastard! I know you've been out playing golf again!"