MEDICAL

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Three plastic surgeons, attending a doctor's conference in San Francisco, are sitting at a bar exchanging small talk. One begins to brag about a past operation. "I sewed a pro baseball player's hand back on after it was severed in an automobile accident. He's back playing baseball, and I made a million dollars."

The second one, not to be outdone says,"I sewed the foot back on a pro basketball player after it was severed during an accident on an escalator. He's back playing basketball, and I made two million dollars."

The third doctor was quiet until the others prompted him to tell them about his most famous operation. "Well," he said. "I belong to a group of plastic surgeons down in New Orleans, and we sewed a pair of tits on a sailors back. If his asshole holds out, we stand to make about five-million just this year alone."

Love is an ocean of emotions, entirely surrounded by expenses. ~ Thomas Dewar ~

RECOGNITION

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks the female doctor to dinner. She accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel room. Just as things get hot and heavy, the female doctor interrupts and says she is going to wash her hands. After the sex session, she gets up and washes her hands.

When she returns the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon."

She confirms this, and asks how he knew.

"Easy" he says, "You're always washing your hands.

She says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

"Wow, how did you guess?"asks the male doctor.

"I didn't feel a thing." replies the female doctor.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

SQUEEZE IN

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.

"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

"The mediocre teacher tells.
The good teacher explains.
The superior teacher demonstrates.
The great teacher inspires."
~ William A. Ward ~

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

"Every fish that escapes appears greater than it is." ~ Japanese Proverb ~

SCREAM

A man was playing around one Saturday morning and chipped a tooth, so he went to a dentist to get it fixed After waiting quite a while he got in and got his tooth fixed.

When the dentist was almost done, he says to the man, " Would you do me a big favor, please?, I'll even take $20 off your bill if you do."

The man shrugs and figures why not.

The dentist says, "Could you scream like you're in extreme pain?"

The man is a little confused and asks, "Sure, but why, it wasn't that bad?

The dentist says, "There are about 10 people in the waiting room and I don't want to miss the big game this afternoon."

Roger asked the doctor to perform a vasectomy on him. "Well," asked the physician, "have you discussed the operation and its implications with your wife and family?"

"Yes," Roger declared. "I'm sort of lukewarm about it myself, but my wife persuaded me to put it to a vote of the children."

"And what was the outcome?" asked the doctor.

"The kids favored it nine to four."