MONEY MATTERS

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HIT HIM AGAIN

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact. ~ George Eliot ~

PENIS TAX

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed. 20% of the time it's pissed off. 30% of the time it's hard up. 10% of the time it's in the hole. On top of all this, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Starting January 1, 2001, penises will be taxed according to size!! To determine the category, please consult the chart below, and confirm this information with page 2, section 7, line 3, of the standard 1040p form.

• 10-12 inches = Luxury Tax $50.00
• 8-10 inches = Pole tax $30.00
• 6-8 inches = Privilege Tax $15.00
• 4-6 inches = Nuisance Tax $5.00.
• Please note under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
• Please do not request an extension.

There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.

Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a minute, and then close and lock it again.

This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this person exhibited. They tried many times to look over his shoulder, or get into his desk when he wasn't there, without success. One day when the elderly gent was sitting at his desk, going over an account, he suffered a heart attack and died.

This upset everyone tremendously. However, now that he was gone, the other members of the firm could finally see what was in the drawer. After obtaining the keys, they unlocked the desk drawer and cautiously peeked inside.

They found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:
DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT

Black holes are where God divided by zero. ~ Steven Wright ~

PLEASE RISE

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to make a garden. Until he was 72, my father used one and contended that if you knew what you were doing with a good mule, you never needed a hoe for the grass.

Well, there was this old man who had been using a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to see the mule dealer. Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist. At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the last 20 years. (Mules live a long time).

After examinations of the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself.

After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, the old man made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.

Early the next day, the old man returned to be faced with some bad news. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden."

Jim replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it. Where's the mule now?"

"Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him. Hold on a minute while I get your money for you."

"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as a favor, it's my loss, not yours. But, if you will help me load him in the truck, I'll see if I can recover a little for him at the dog food plant."

Well, Jim loads up the mule and drives off. A couple of months later the mule dealer happens to drive by Jim's place and is astonished to see Jim working his garden on a NEW $4,000 garden tractor. Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jim over and asks him how in the world Jim managed such a piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a mule and the mule had died on him.

"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea and I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize...Gardening Equipment. Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."

"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment"

"From you"

"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."

"Like I said, I got it from you."

"Man, all you got from me was a dead mule."

"I know, that's what I raffled off."

"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet it really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."

"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."

"If you can look into the seeds of time, and say which grain will grow and which will not, speak then unto me." ~ William Shakespeare ~

Click to enlarge.

 

(The following was sent in response to a bill collector attempting *collection*.)

DEAR SCUMBAGS:

7-26-99

I received your pathetic, ridiculous attempt at legalized extortion yesterday. Just out of curiosity, what's your cut if you collect?

The first thing you need to realize is that I have no credit record to "protect". My credit rating is piss-poor, and I have skipped out on bills all over the United States, West Virginia, and Australia. Your repeated " demands " that I pay your client's 2 year old bill ridicules reality. An unpaid bill only begins to ripen at 3 years, and fully matures into a late payment after 5 years. So quit whining, and get at the end of a long line of collectors. Your post-paid envelopes are always appreciated, however I would prefer that you enclose a postage stamp, which is reusable.

Please skip to Form Letter #16. I always find that one amusing. that's the one where you threaten to put a lien on my home and car, if I don't pay the $36.17 õwed to your client. Be advised that filing a home lien will cost you $71.50, and a car lien $45.25 in filing fees alone. Not withstanding that my home and car were repossessed years ago...your arithmetic STINKS.

My motto is : Buy Buy / Bye Bye.

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following : "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply : "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."