MORAL OF THE STORY

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A fly was soaring 6 inches above the lake's surface.

A nearby fish considers, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"

A nearby bear considers, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"

A nearby hunter considers, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, the bear would grab the fish, and I would shoot the bear."

A nearby mouse considers, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, the bear would grab the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, and I would steal the cheese from his sandwich."

A nearby cat considers, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, the bear would grab the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would steal the cheese from his sandwich, and I would pounce on the mouse."

Suddenly, to everyone surprise, the chain of events begin...

The fly drops 6 inches, the fish jumps out of the water, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse steals the cheese from his sandwich... but the cat missed the mouse and fell into the water.

And the moral of the story?

"A Pussy Usually Gets Wet When A Fly Drops 6 Inches."

I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.

WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

And the moral of the story?

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL JUST A FUCKING WITCH.

Once upon a time there was a little boy who lived in a house that had train tracks running behind it. The boy's father always warned him against playing around the train tracks, but boys will be boys so he often played around the tracks despite the warnings from his father.

One day, after playing by the tracks all afternoon, he grew tired and he sat down on the tracks to rest. Before he knew it, a train came by, ran over his ass, and cut part of it off.

When the boy's father came home and discovered what had happened, he told the boy that not only would he have to go through the rest of his life missing part of his ass, that he was greatly disappointed in him for not heeding his warnings.

That night, unable to sleep, the boy laid in bed pondering about going through the rest of his life as a half ass and how disappointed his father was at him.

Suddenly he had an idea. He went out to the tracks the next morning and began searching for the lost part of his ass. If only he can find it, he thought, he would have a whole ass once again and be in the good graces of his father.

Alas...the boy searched and searched, but couldn't find even a shred of the missing part from his ass. Soon the boy became tired and sleepy. Disappointed, he slumped down and went to sleep with his head on one of the tracks. A train came by, about that time, and ran over the boy's head and killed him.

And the moral to this story?

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF ASS.

Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it

BOSS

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

And the Moral Of The Story?

You don't need brains to be a Boss -- any asshole will do.

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black kapota coat, black hat, side curls, etc.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" said the genie.

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.

He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

And the moral of the story?

If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. ~ Woody Allen ~

THESIS

SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

FOX: "What are you working on?"

RABBIT: "My thesis."

FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?"

RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

(incredulous pause)

FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

WOLF: "What's that you're writing?"

RABBIT: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

(loud guffaws)

WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

RABBIT: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

(The End)

MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night".

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

And the moral of this story?

"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed"