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Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30 minute aerobics workout," declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Bouncer.

Dr. Bouncer and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.

"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Bouncer. "There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half."

Dr. Bouncer suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at least 10 minutes a day looking at breasts sized "D-cup" or greater. "We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."

Dr. Bouncer says she would advise U.S. males to watch "jiggle" shows on TV, rent low budget women-in-prison movies and peruse men's magazines such as Playboy as often as possible.

The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose headlights were most likely to yield a beneficial health effect. These amply endowed "angels of mercy" include Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore.

"The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking." ~ John Kenneth Galbraith ~

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BIRD-IN-HAND, PENNSYLVANIA: In a recent sting operation, the Amish Bureau of Internal Affairs seized literally hundreds of dollars of unauthorized electronic equipment from the backwoods tool shed of Jeremiah and Ezekiel Holzmann. The brothers were in the process of downloading email when the raid took place.

Most of the computer equipment taken was apparently purchased at agan Electronic swap meets, using fake identification and false mustaches to hide their Amishness.

The chief investigator said that they were aware of rumors that the Holzmann brothers were secretly supplying information about the Amish to outsiders, who were then using the information for an Amish web page.

The incident shocked the people who knew the Holzmanns. "They were such good people," said Anna Zimmerman, the next door neighbor. "They are leaders in our little church even. But now this"

Her husband, Jake, mentioned that the Holzmanns always seemed to be carrying boxes wrapped in brown paper from their wagon to the tool shed. "Whenever I would ask them what they had in the box, they always told me that it was spare parts for their butter churn. It breaks down a lot."

The equipment consisted mainly of older model computers, such as old TRS-80s and MacIntosh computers. The brothers claimed that since they were using obsolete technology, they should not be punished.

"These are not real computers," claimed Ezekiel Holzmann. "We never even touched a 486, let alone a Pentium. We are using 9600 baud modems, and we powered them by hooking up a generator to the butter churn."

Their story collapsed when investigators uncovered an invoice proving that they had ordered a Pentium Pro 233mHz from an undisclosed computer company in South Dakota. When confronted with the invoice, Jeremiah Holzmann fell to his knees, crying for forgiveness.

"I told Ezekiel that it would escalate. It started with a desire to get an electric alarm clock so we could get up on time to milk the cows, but then we found a C64 at a barn sale. Soon, we kept wanting more and more equipment, until finally we were reduced to this!"

They were sentenced to three years in an Amish Re-education Clinic, where Jeremiah plans to write a book about his shameful addiction to technology.

When he mentioned the possibility of an interactive CD-ROM of the book, he was then sentenced to six years.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. ~ Murphy's 2nd Law of Technology ~

REAL NEWS!

SALISBURY, Md. (AP) - A 10-year-old boy has been charged with assault for allegedly snapping girls' bras. The Pittsville Elementary pupil, who was not identified, was accused of assaulting five girls, ages 8 to 11, earlier this month. He was suspended from school for three days and from a county-run, after-school program. The boy was charged with four counts of assault for allegedly snapping girls' bras and one count of sex offense for allegedly touching a girl's buttocks.

What a kid....

DON'T PUBLISH THISDelivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. ~ Murphy's 4th Law of Technology ~

IN THE LOCAL NEWS:

The world-famous yet reclusive Dogbyte showed his face in public for the first time in several years. When they saw his face, the police arrested him for indecent exposure.

Science and Medicine:

A clinical researcher has suggested that the cause of Dogbyte's awkward posture is due to an intense wedgie.

However, this hypothosis is unlikely to yield any positive results since Dogbyte doesn't use nor own any underwear.

NASA's Lunar Prospector was crashed into the South Pole of the Moon in order to determine whether there is water trapped under the lunar surface. Telescopes on Earth and in space were used to detect water vapor in the debris cloud formed by the crash.

Scientists determined that 50,000 gallons of water were trapped under the surface of the Moon's south pole.

Unfortunately, 95% of it was blasted into space by the intense impact of the Lunar Prospector.