OLD WEST

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Young Billy the Kid wanted to be the best, most feared gunfighter in the Old West, and when he spots Doc Holliday having a beer in a saloon, he asks if he could have a word with him.

"Sure, son, what's on your mind?" asks Doc, looking up at the young man.

"Sir, I want to be the best gunfighter there is, and I'd be in your debt if you'd give me a lesson or two," says Billy.

"Well, the first thing I'd do," says Doc, "is tie the bottom of your holster to your leg so your pistol don't get caught in it when you draw."

Billy does as suggested, whips out his pistol and shoots the string-tie off the guy playing the piano. "Hey, you were right, Doc," says Billy. "What

"If you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, your gun will come out smoother," suggests Doc.

Billy does as Doc recommends, draws again and shoots a cufflink off the piano player. "This is great, Doc," says the delighted Billy. "Anything more?"

"One more thing," says Doc. "Get that tub of lard over there and rub it all over your pistol."

"You mean so it'll slide out of the holster faster?" says young Billy.

"No," says Doc, "so when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano and shoves your gun up your ass, it won't hurt as much."

"Thinking is what a great many people think they are doing when they are simply rearranging their prejudices." ~ William James ~

THE FUCKAWEE

When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement.

So she asks the first little indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice "I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee".

The teacher says very good and asks the next little indian boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, "I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche".

The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little indian boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Fuckawee".

The teacher looks dumb founded & says "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee."

The little boy says, "My Father & I walked for many days and many nights. And many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around. "He said hummmm, where the Fuckawee."

A couple of grizzly old prospectors had stuck it rich up in the mountains, but they had to cross the desert with thier mule to get to town and sell the gold...

Zeke: "I recon we're gonna run out a' water soon Rex."

Rex: "Ayup, and we're runnin real short on food to!"

A week goes by and they are now hopelessly lost in the desert..

Zeke: "That mule of yours is lookin pretty tasty, what say you we put him down, and have some food to eat!?"

Rex: "Hell NO! You ain't a touchin my Mule, we'll make it to town yet! You'll shoot and eat me before you ever touch my mule!"

Another week goes by with no food, no water, and they're all still hopelessly lost...

Zeke: "Ok Rex, if'n your ready, I'm gonna shoot ya like you said, cause tarnation, I just can't go another day without some food!"

Rex: "Nope, it's high time for me to give up my Mule and we'll both eat. Here's how we'll do it, You hold the shotgun to his head, and when I say GO!, you pull the trigger on my old boy...and then it's Dinner Time!!"

So Zeke holds the shotgun to poor Bessies head and Rex proceeds to climb under the mule and starts sucking him off!! In a few minutes the mule is making noises of pleasure....

Mule: "Hee Haw!!"

Rex: (from under the mule) "Shoot him now Zeke! Shoot him now!!"

Zeke pulls the trigger and BLAM!!!! The mule keels over dead!

Zeke: "That was a mighty right nice thing you done for that there mule, givin him a few last moments of pleasure like ya did!!"

Rex: "Nice thing I done? What are you talking about?! I was just trying ta get us an extra four pounds of meat!!"

"Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring." ~ Doug Larson ~

NO SHIT

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name , Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."

A young Indian man asks a squaw for sex for a bushel of corn.

She says: "No, $5."

He says: "How about two bushels of corn?"

She says: "Okay" and disrobes and lies on her stomach.

He says: "What's this?"

She says: "Front hole, money hole; back hole, corn hole."

Without you, the hand gropes the ear hears the pulse beats. Life goes on, but i'm gone. Cause I die, without you ~ Jonathan Larson ~

COWBOYS & MEXICANS

An Indian, a Mexican, and a cowboy are sitting in a bar and they each have had quite a few drinks. The Indian stands up and yells "Once there was many, now there are few," than sits down and takes a drink.

The Mexican stands up and yells, "Once there were many, and...heck, we're still all over the place!" than sits down and takes another drink.

The Cowboy just chuckles, takes a drink, and says,"That's 'cause we ain't played cowboys and Mexicans yet."

Mujo (the main character in all Bosnian jokes) comes to the wild west, and tired from his trip, goes to a saloon to have a beer. As soon as he gets in, he sees everybody else leaving in a hurry. He leans on counter and asks the bartender, "What's happening?"

"Don't you know? The black rider will be here in a few minutes."

Mujo asks, "Who the fuck is the black rider?"

The bartender replies, "I can't believe you don't know. He's the most dangerous guy I've ever seen. You better get lost before he gets here, or god knows what he will do if he finds you here. I'm just about to leave myself"

Mujo thinks, "Fuck the black rider. I'll stay here and have my beer in peace, and when he comes, I'll show him."

So there's Mujo all alone in the bar drinking his beer, everybody's gone already, so the whole place is a bit creepy. All of the sudden he hears some steps outside of the saloon, the door opens, and a 6 ft 5" tall man comes in, all dressed in black, black hat, black shirt, black cowboy boots. Mujo can feel his knees tremble - the black rider is here!

The man leans on the counter and says, "Hey, you!"

Mujo stammers, "Wwwhhho mmme?"

"Yes you, come over here" the man demands.

Mujo comes. "Yes, sir, how can I help you sir?" His voice is shaking, and he can barely stand.

The man says, "Blow me."

Mujo thinks, what else can he do -- that's the black rider he's talking to and he can kill him any second, so he starts doing the job .

The man starts moaning.

Muko asks, "Is everything OK sir?"

The man replies, "Yes, it's OK. But just hurry up a bit, the black rider will be here any minute, and then we're both dead."