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A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

FIRED?

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift ,and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper. "I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."

The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing. Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.

He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!" --Fired?-- he asked in total surprise.-Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

"Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world." ~ Arthur Schopenhauer ~

FIND THE BABY

GOSSIP

There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin."

The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week."

The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns say "Come now we told you our worst sins, what is yours."

The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train."

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and felt just great! Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor:

• Next time sip rather than gulp.
• There are 10 commandments not 12.
• There are 12 disciples not 10.
• We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
• The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God".
• Do not refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
• The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook".
• David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
• Next Wednesday, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
• Last but not least, it is "Virgin Mary" not "Mary with the cherry."

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest, that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~ Jan Glidewell ~

CLOSE SHAVE

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem. That happens from time to time." says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Paddy the Irishman was shipwrecked onto a dessert island. Unconscious for hours, he lay face down in the sandy beach, and he was found in this condition by a tribe of cannibals.

When he awoke, he found himselft tied up in a great big cauldron, full to the brim with water, vegetables and loads of lovely herbs and spices floating all around. As he came to his senses, the chief cannibal grabbed him by the hair and shook him violently saying "D'ye see you ye bollix, d'ye see this spear, will I'm gonna ram this into your neck, and kill ye, and then we're gonna eat ya".

(The chief was originally from Finglas, Ireland but had emigrated years earlier) Paddy said nothing, and then the chief took several paces back, faced Paddy, and started to run at him with the spear out before him.

As he reached Paddy, he noticed Paddy was laughing, stopped, and said to him, "Do you realise what I just said to you"? At which Paddy was in stiches, spilling water from the cauldron onto the sand.

"I'm gonna ram this spear into your neck and you're gonna die, and we're gonna melt you down and eat you".

So, again the chief took a run a Paddy, and again stopped a few inches short.

"Are you sick or sometin, what are you laughin' at? Do you not realise that you're gonna die?" Again the chief took another run at Paddy and stopped short again.

"Is there something funny about this, that I don't see?

"Yeah", says Paddy, "every time you run at me with the spear I keep shittin in the pot".