OOPS #2

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One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local Pharmasave. He goes up to the clerk and says "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go oomph right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!"

Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabs some Trojans for professionals and tells the chief to come back and tell him how they worked.

The next day the big Chief comes back to the Pharmasave, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go oomph, right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!"

The clerk thinks to himself "Damn, this guy has super ejaculation going on" so he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box read: This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances.

The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him this, and to come back and tell him how it worked.

The next day the chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's real pissed."

The chief yells "LAST NIGHT ME FUCK SQUAW!! LEFT NUT GO OOMPH!!!!....RIGHT NUT GO OOMPH!!! ..... DICK GO OOMPH!!..... CONDOM GO OOMPH!!!!......... LEFT NUT GO BOOM!!!"

Relax, Mr. Wilde, It's just a simple prostate examination.

"Don't limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time." ~ Rabbinical Saying ~

BIKE RIDE

Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim.

She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dived in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.

Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana.

"Come," he said. "I'll drive you into town."

She jumped on his bicycle and rode sidesaddle in front of Steve. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"

"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"

No one live forever,
and dead men rise up never,
and even the longest river
winds somewhere safe to sea.
~ British folklore ~

     

Two fellows are walking around town. One has a terrible stutter. He taps his friend on the shoulder and begins to exclaim, "L-l-l-look-k-k over t-t-th-th-th-th-there!"

His friend looks toward where the stutterer was gesturing, and asks, "What is it? What is it?"

"Th-th-th-th-there was a p-p-p-p-pr-pr-pretty girl!"

"Where? Where? Where is she?"

"A-a-a-a-a-aw, you m-m-mi-m-mi-missed h-h-h-her!"

"Damn!"

A few minutes later the first fellow nudges his friend again, and starts to exclaim, "H-h-h-h-h-hey hey hey hey hey l-l-l-l-l-l-look! H-h-hey llll-l-l-l-look! O-o-o-o-o-o-o-v-v-v-ov-ov-ov-over th-th-th-there! L-l-l-l-l-look!"

"What is it? What is it?

"H-h-h-hey, th-th-there w-w-w-w-was an-anoth-another pretty g-g-g-girl!"

"Where? Where is she? Where you lookin?"

"N-n-n-n-n-ev-ev-ever m-m-m-mind, y-y-y-you m-m-mi-missed h-h-her!"

"Damn!"

They travelled a few more blocks. Then the stutterer started up, "H-h-h-h-hey hey hey". His companion was tired of searching the landscape long after the interesting view had disappeared, so he tiredly exclaimed, "I seen it. I seen it."

The stutterer asked, "W-w-w-w-well if y-y-y-you s-s-s-s-s-s-seen it, th-th-then w-wh-w-why d-d-d-d-did you s-s-s-s-s-s-s-step in it?"

It is easier to go to Mars or to the moon than it is to penetrate one’s own being. ~ Carl Jung ~

The hickeys aren't serious. What possessed you to moon a Gay parade?

SHERRY VS. PORT

Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon dicovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.

"When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstacy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half...

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream. ~ Harry Kemp ~

HEY! AREN'T YOU...?

Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.

His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?"

Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a leak, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, 'Hey! Aren't you Sean Connery?'"

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting better."

Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP. YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."