OOPS #3

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In an ancient monastery in a faraway place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.

One day he, asked Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium), "Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?"

Fr. Florian is set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. "A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original."

Fr. Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification. After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. They were sure something must have happened.

As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying. When they opened the door, they found Fr. Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book, both of which opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.

"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.

"Oh, my Lord," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate'!"

Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. ~ Oscar Wilde ~

HANGING

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah ? What happened ?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great ! You're naked already ! Let me just take a leak'. And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" The bartender shook his head, "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land ? "My goddamned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street.

By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.

She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh. ~ Agnes Repplier ~

TELL BY LOOKING

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her Doctor.

The Doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey, Look, I'm a Veterinarian ... "I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions, I can tell what's wrong just by looking."

She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The Doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

A man with a 25-inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you out." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25-inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter."

The man's face lights up and he dashes off into the forest. He calls out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looks at him dejectedly and replies, "NO!"

The man looks down and suddenly his penis is 5 inches shorter. "Wow," he screams out loud, "This is great!!" But he is still too long at 20 inches, so he asks the frog again."

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouts. The frog rolls its eyes back in its head and screams back, "NO!"

The man feels another twitch in his penis, looks down, and it's another 5 inches shorter.

The man laughs, "This is fantastic." He looks down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflects for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looks across the pond and yells out, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, and for the last time, NO!

"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable." ~ Mark Twain ~

DIPLOMACY

Van der Merwe got a job on the railways as a steward. For the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "Just use diplomacy."

"What's diplomacy?" asked Van.

"Watch me I'll show you"

Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee.

When the tutor steward flung open one door he was confronted with a buck naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked "Tea or coffee, sir?"

The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.

"Wow, did you see that cutie!" Van said excitedly. "She had no clothes on. But hey, why did you call her sir?"

"That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her."

Van der Merwe was most impressed with his teacher.

The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed. "Tea or coffee, sir"

"Tea," the man replied.

"And for your brother?"

A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, "Sally, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news: I got $25,000.00 severance pay"

His wife said, "$25,000.00 in severance pay? That's great! Now, what's the bad news?"

He said, "Wait till you hear what was severed!