PERSONALITY TYPES

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Psychiatrist Dr. Frank Caprio gives the following breakdown:

HAPHAZARD UNDRESSER:
If you throw your clothes all over the house, you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others think of you.

METICULOUS UNDRESSER:
If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes life very calm. You are comfortable with routine, and you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place.

SHOES AND SOCKS FIRST UNDRESSER:
You are perfectionist, very shy, observant, dependable, intense, and think before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration. You know how to pay attention.

SLOW UNDRESSER:
If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes later get around to the pants, you are extremely self-confident, intellectual, a deep thinker, and don't like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

FAST UNDRESSER:
If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you're worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy.

JEWELRY OFF FIRST UNDRESSER:
If you take off your rings, watch, etc., before anything else, you are warm, thoughtful, sensitive, and romantic.

NEVER THE SAME WAY UNDRESSER:
If you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious, interesting person, and you enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure.

It takes a woman twenty years To make a man of her son, And another woman twenty minutes To make a fool of him ~ Helen Rowland ~

TRAINING YOURSELF

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these key "signs."

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.
3. Can't hail a cab. - impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. - Is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. - Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. - Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. - Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. - will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. - Won't swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n' Low. - Wearing falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side. - Will give you a hand job but will not go "all the way."
14. Gives explicit orders to waiter. - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. - Will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17. Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn't finish everything on plate. - Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. - Will make you sleep on wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. - Will never call you.
23. Changes tables. - Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms (female).
25. Orders in French. - Fakes orgasms (male).
26. Sends food back. - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. - Wants a hand job.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. - Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters.
31. Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.
32. Under tips waiter. - Small penis.
33. Under tips parking valet. - Small penis.
34. Under tips cabby. - Small penis.
35. Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36. Removable cassette player in car. - Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
37. Cellular phone in car.- Penile implant.

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

It is when you hear the music from the depths of the soul that you know the beauty of the melody. ~ Jim Shakelford ~

WHO'S WHO

Here's the unofficial "who's who" guide to nightclubs.

STARRING....

CAPTAIN WORKOUT:
This guy spends all week in the gym and needs little or no reason to take off his tight @$$ shirt revealing an even tighter top, so tight you can see his heart beating and parade's around the club like Mr. Universe.

SHAMALEKA SPANDEX:
You know her . . . 300 lbs. size 48, buys a size 6 red and yellow spandex outfit. To the horror of others, she wears it to the club.

JOHNNY ONEDRINK:
Takes three hours to finish one drink, then tries to fool everyone for another hour with a glass full of icewater & a straw. Has $3.50 in his pocket and a token.

THE O.G.'s:
Stands for "Old Guys". These guys just can't get over the fact that they are TOO OLD to be at the club. Their clubbing days are so far behind them their kids can legally buy alcohol. They try to be down with the younger generation by wearing gold fronts and try to speak slang using phrases like "What's up money!" and "That's fresh!"

THE OOOH GIRL:
She's that girl that's basically doing the two step dance, until her song comes on and she screams to her girl friends "OOOH GIRL, THAT'S MY SONG!!!" From this point on it's shake what your mamma gave ya and she will dance ith what ever is in front of her, guy, girl, bar, wall, speakers, etc.

WASTE OF TIME WILLY:
This is the one that buys a new outfit for the club; travels miles from home, at night to the club; pays $15.00 to get in the club; and when he's finally in the club . . he just stands against the wall sipping on a cup of Pepsi fronting like it's rum-n-coke.

BILLBOARD BILLY:
Stepped out of the latest rap video, he feels the need to let everyone in the club know what name brand designer clothing he's wearing, down to his socks because he must have that one pant leg up. It may be pitch black in the club, but he's got $300 Versace sunglasses on. He's also the one making a call from the noisy dancefloor on his cell phone, with a bottle of MOET (with the label facing outward so everyone can see) in his other hand...

TAKIANNA & LAQUITA:
The female African American equivalent of Siskel & Ebert, but they don't review movies. Their table is right near the door so they can "review" everyone who comes in the door: "That does NOT match, not even in the dark." "Uh, uh, no she didn't, she need to go back to the hair shop and finish gettin her hair did!"; "His baby mamma must dress him."

THE 1st AND 15th POSSE:
We only see them in the club around these dates...

TOUCHY FEELY TODD:
He's the guy that loves to walk all over the club when it's crowded squeezing through girls and getting his free feels.

ROBIN LEECH:
Not the TV host. She has no money, but somehow gets some sucker to buy her drinks all night---usually

LOCKDOWN LEROY:
Has been in and out of jail so many times, he has no clue as to what is in or out of style. He shows up in a "Malcolm X" cap, gold fronts, an "Eight Ball" leather jacket and a silk polka dot shirt....TAKIANNA & LAQUITA have a field day with them.

Acura Integra: I have always wanted to own the Buick of Japanese sport sedans

AMG Hummer: I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Buick Park Avenue: I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Catera: I learned nothing from the Cimarron

Cadillac Eldorado: I am a pimp

Cadillac Deville: I am a very good Mary Kay Salesperson

Chevrolet Camaro: I enjoy beating up people

Chevrolet Caprice: I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Chevrolet Cavalier Coupe: I start 11th grade in the fall

Chevrolet Chevette: I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'vette.

Chevrolet Corvette: I am having a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino: I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chevrolet Tracker: I start 12th grade in the fall

Chrysler Cordoba: I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a Mercedes Benz product.

Datsun 280Z: I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Aspen: I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Neon: I cannot stand the Macarena

Dodge Power Wagon: I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Ford Crown Victoria: I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Ford Explorer: I will not be caught dead in a minivan

Ford Mustang 5.0: I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Mustang 2.3: I avoid Yugos and VW microbuses at the stoplights

Ford Ranchero: I am leading a Militia to overthrow the government

Ford Tempo: I teach fourth grade special education and I voted for Adlai Stevenson

Honda Civic: I just graduated and have no credit at all

Honda Accord: I lack originality and am basically a lemming

Hyundai Accent: I delivered pizza for years in order to get this car

Hyundai Tiburon: I miss the tasteful, conservative and understated styling of the 1974 AMC Matador

Infiniti Q45: I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending

Isuzu I-Mark: I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than the Daihatsu

Jaguar XJS V-12: I am so rich I will pay $60,000.00 for a car that is in the shop 280 days of the year

Kia Sephia: I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu of America

Lexus LS400: I am the lawyer suing the owner of the Infiniti Q45

Lincoln Town Car: I live for bingo and covered supper dishes

Mercury Grand Marquis: I live for bridge and covered supper dishes

Mercedes 600SL: I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph

Mercedes 600SEL: I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Mazda Miata: I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

MGB: I am dating a mechanic

Nissan Altima: I don't know what it means, either

Nissan Maxima: I am still in the closet

Nissan 300ZX: I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings

Oldsmobile Cutlass: I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts

Oldsmobile Cutlass Cruiser: I get carsick driving minivans

Oldsmobile Delta 88 Diesel: I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon: I enjoy the Macarena

Pontiac Trans Am: I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 928: I am dating big-haired women who would otherwise be inaccessable to me

Range Rover: I do not care about J.D. Powers or his surveys

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow: I think Maggie Thatcher is a touch too Whig for me

Rover 3500: I am married to a mechanic

Saturn SL1: I hope someday to make it to a gathering in Spring Hill

Saturn SL2: I made it to a gathering in Spring Hill

Toyota Camry: I have always wanted to own the Oldsmobile of Japanese family sedans

Volkswagen Beetle: I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagen Cabriolet: I am out of the closet

Volkswagen Jetta: I enjoy putting out engine fires

Volkswagen Microbus: I am tripping right now

Volkswagen New Beetle: I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volvo 740 Wagon: I am afraid of my wife

The reason we can't take it with us is because it goes before we do.

BAR PERSONALITIES

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.

Alfa
Passionate and romantic, you fancy yourself as a wild sex kitten. A bit unreliable, and can be eccentric too. You hate BMW drivers, but think and act just like them.

Audi
You would like to believe you are part of the new generation that is caring, environmentally conscious and family-orientated. Actually, quite boring, nothing more than a glorified wuss. Will one day probably drive a Merc, but you still sometimes wonder if you shouldn't have bought that Bee-Em.

BMW
Self-centred, ambitious, dynamic and assertive. Yuppies and kugels past sell-by date. You think you will be CEO one day. Actually an office weenie who thinks you are God's gift.

Daewoo
Faceless, subservient and demure (except for Matiz drivers). To you, a good deal is to work from nine to five, get nothing for it, and still say thank you. And then you wonder why you don't have money for a good time after hours.

Ford
You still live in the 70's, trying to cope with the 90's (don't even mention the millennium). A loyal, diligent worker, but baffled by office politics and labour policies. Next car will probably also be a Ford.

Honda
You aspire to drive a BMW. You are an opinionated pain-in-the-butt. The ultimate suffragette, or the boss's girlfriend (male or female!)

Hyundai
Quite progressive, intelligent and practical. But misguided. The kind of person who will suggest a subcommittee to find solutions too what the committee couldn't. You will always maintain that this Korean car is better than any Japanese model.

Jeep
You would like to believe you are living the American dream and just love the great outdoors. The closest you get to it is by watching Days of Our Lives and the Adventure Channel.

Land Rover
You are a designer person with a designer life, who always pays too much for everything. Designer mud comes free with the badge. And if it's a Freelander, it was probably a break-up gift from your ex.

Mazda
A Ford driver with more money. Mostly staid boring farts with no image and less imagination.

Mercedes-Benz
Responsible, immaculate and conservative. Boring CEO clones with too much money, or the office super-geek who can't remember what it's like to have fun. Definitely not dating material.

Nissan
Good, solid, responsible, loyal office-fodder. You like to travel and maintain that you can sell ice to the Eskimos. Favourite answer: "It's a company car."

Opel
Wannabe Schumachers. Would like a Corolla, but fell for the bumf about German engineering. Always in a rush, but never get anything done.

Pajero
Not as label-conscious as your Land Rover counterpart, but still suckered into believing in the ultimate African adventure. You drive through puddles to create your own designer mud. You believe you've made the grade, but everyone else knows you've got a long way to go.

Renault
An eccentric who likes doing things the wrong way around. Usually the one who asks all the silly questions at staff meetings. You fervently believe you have flair, but it's less than that of a French cookbook.

Ssangyong
A make-believe fool, because you'd like a Pajero but can't afford it

Toyota
A sensible, organised conformist who keeps things going in a company. You lose it when things go wrong, and can't be depended on when some imagination is needed. Your next car is always going to be "something fun", but without fail it ends up being a Toyota.

Volkswagen
As per Toyota, only one level higher. You experience uncertainty, because you don't know whether you own a rebodied Audi or not. You are not good at decision making.