POLITICAL

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A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor of Key West, Florida. After the election results were in, a hord of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.

A young reporter walked up to him and said, " Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeet."

The Mayor replied, "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet...I kissed a Cock-or-two."

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. ~ P. J. O'Rourke ~

ENTERTAINMENT?

America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.

The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. wife. They approved. The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approved. The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.

Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers.

The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer.

The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says: "Anybody got a match?"

Dear Senator Hollings

I think there should be a law against check machines and telephone books that are chained to tables. Such distrust is an insult to the public. Furthermore it just about ruins a persons knife to cut one of those chains.

Charles

*~*

Dear Congressman Brown

I'm a veteran and I'd like sum advise. I com hom las nite and fine nuther man with mine wife. He get fritten an jump out window. He brake bone on leg. Can he sue me?

Pedro

*~*

Chairman Pension Bureau

Dear Mr Chairman

Could we receive a government pension? We are very patriotic. You see my husband and I fought all during the war.

Mrs Emanuel

*~*

Dear Mr Senator

We have four daughters and our ambition has always been to have a son. Would you be so kind as to get my husband out of jail so he can come home and satisfy this desire?

Mrs Ferdinand

Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement, and success have no meaning. ~ Benjamin Franklin ~

ANCIENT TECHNOLOGY

German scientists dug 50 meters down and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net.

Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net.

American scientists were outraged by this. They dug 200 meters down & found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.

He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.

"A Republican," replied the salesman.

"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.

"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

"What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"

I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version. ~ Colonel Oliver North ~

CAREER DECISION?

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"

Former U.S. President George Bush said he would like to see his son, Governor George W. Bush, in the White House.

Polls, however, indicate that the public is fed up with the Monica Lewinsky scandal and does not want to see any more Bush in the White House.